He’s still married
Q. I have been dating the most wonderful man for more than three years and we get along great. He is kind, funny, thoughtful, generous, handsome, and calm (I had an angry, abusive ex, and calmness is important to me). I feel so lucky to have met him and love him very much.
I am in my later 50s. He is in his mid-60s. I am a single mom and have a teenager. He has two grown children … and he is still married. His wife moved out years ago and they have lived separately ever since. He has no plans on reuniting with his wife, although he still supports her financially. They have an amicable relationship.
The problem (if there is a problem) is that he is still married. Why? He says he doesn’t see a reason to change how things are now. He says unless I wanted to get married, why bother getting divorced? His wife seems content living separately but married as well.
However, his children don’t want to meet me. I don’t blame them. Given the situation, I am “the other woman” — although it is clear I was not the reason they separated. That happened before I came along. So I hear about his kids through him and feel somewhat left out of this part of his life. I don’t want to get married. Not now, anyway. I wouldn’t consider that until I was an empty nester.
The other problem is that once a year he goes on vacation for a week with his wife and kids. He has been going to the same place since he was a kid, and I understand this is a family tradition. He shares a room and bed with his wife once a year, given the circumstances of the cottage they rent. Of course he swears nothing happens, and even when they went there before me nothing ever happened.
I feel that if his grown children (20s) got married and started having kids, I would feel very left out. I am very happy the way things are, but sometimes I wish I could be part of the family. Am I making a problem where there isn’t one?
HAPPY BUT UNCERTAIN A. You feel bad about being excluded from a big part of his life. That makes perfect sense.
Is it a deal-breaker? Not for now, it seems.
I wonder if he can do more to encourage his children to meet you. Perhaps he can ask them what it would take for them to be comfortable in your presence. Or maybe if you meet his ex, she can vouch for you. Because honestly, you are not the other woman. You are his partner.
The marriage issue seems to mean less, but please be honest with yourself about what you might want in a few years. You say you might be interested in getting married when you’re an empty nester. Let him know. Because a divorce might be easier now. It’s something for him to think about.
If the kids continue to refuse to meet you, it will be all about others. Do you and this man share friends? Do you have a community that makes you feel like you’re part of the same world? It doesn’t have to be family. Chosen family works, too.
Also, if the two of you live together at some point, this will change again. Same with the vacation/bed thing. If those kids have partners and kids, all of the plans will shift. There will be new traditions. (For the record, the bed things sounds deeply unsexy, and the fact that you were told about it says plenty.)
Ask what might get you to next steps with his kids, and think about what you might want in the future (marriage/cohabitation). Talk about how it might work. MEREDITH
READERS RESPOND: I’m really curious about his reasons for not getting divorced. There is no reason for this. He’s hiding something. The question is: What? It’s not unreasonable to want someone who wants to share their life with you. If you want that though, then this does not seem to be the guy for you. Don’t sacrifice your needs and desires. ASH
Don’t ask him to change. Ask yourself (and not blog strangers): Can you stay? LUPELOVE
There will be a day where his wife will have more rights to do certain things than you (hospital, next-of-kin rights, etc.). This is when the problem becomes much larger than just meeting his children. SUNALSORISES
Send your own relationship and dating questions to loveletters@globe.com. Catch new episodes of Meredith Goldstein’s “Love Letters” podcast at loveletters.show or wherever you listen to podcasts. Column and comments are edited and reprinted from boston.com/ loveletters.