We were much happier in a long-distance relationship
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Q. My partner (man, late 30s) and I (woman, early 30s) met while I was on a work trip abroad (we worked for the same company). We were quickly infatuated with each other, and a few months later, after countless FaceTimes and texts, we officially started to date. The pandemic forced us to stay apart for two years, and he finally moved to America two years ago.
He hates it here, he became severely depressed — very anxious and isolated. Just overall sick. I tried to care for him and love him through it, but he’s not the person I dated long-distance, and I don’t like who he’s been here, even if he’s gotten somewhat better.
We rarely have sex (which we view differently, too), and we don’t have many shared interests. He’s tried to be involved, but I can tell he’s doing things for me, not because he wants to be social, etc. We’ve been talking at length about our options — moving back to his country to give our relationship a new chance or breaking up. My heart is torn between these options. Should I leave my job/family/country and continue trying with someone I’m not sure I want to marry/have kids with anymore?
TORN
A. Starting a relationship longdistance is rough. It’s difficult to know what you’re waiting for.
But now, in your case, it’s clear, right? It’s time to say goodbye because this isn’t working.
You experienced a wonderful and deep connection with this man, but it was better from afar, and not the kind of relationship you want to keep forever.
This arrangement is bad for both of you, and it sounds like it would be similar if you were on his turf. You’d be missing your entire community, putting everything on the line for one person who needs to prioritize himself.
I know you’ve spent years waiting for him, but sometimes it takes that long to figure out that you need to let go. Blame distance or the pandemic. It lasted this long not because you had such a healthy, wonderful relationship, but because you were delayed by so many external forces.
Walk away as people who care about each other enough to leave when it counts. Tell him how much you want him to be happy, and that you’d like to find happiness too.
You know the answer here. Happy to validate it.
MEREDITH
READERS RESPOND:
Yeah, it’s time to part ways, as painful as it will be. You both gave it a shot, it didn’t work, so don’t waste any more time. PENSEUSE
Oh, I’m sure he misses his own country, friends, and family but I’m betting that if you move to his country, you’re not going to get much different. JSMUS
If this relationship was right for you you’d have no hesitation about picking up and leaving with him. You’re not a bad person for ending things and staying. The last thing the world needs is a homesick American woman traipsing around a foreign city proclaiming how unhappy she is.
BIGSIGH
The pandemic artificially created and destroyed relationships. You can’t count those years in your equation. And both of you have not been happy for two years being together. No one’s fault, but it’s over and he should return to his country. Is the hesitation due to your age and that you have invested four years into this? AUNTTIGGYWINK
Sounds like the relationship served its purpose for both of you, which was to preoccupy your minds during a period of global uncertainty and isolation. That’s not a bad thing. Stop forcing it to be something it isn’t or serve some other purpose. The world is open again, so it’s time for you to find a person who is actually compatible with you.
BONECOLD
Send your own relationship and dating questions to loveletters@globe.com. Catch new episodes of Meredith Goldstein’s “Love Letters” podcast at loveletters.show or wherever you listen to podcasts. Column and comments are edited and reprinted from boston.com/ loveletters.