I wish my sister and I were closer
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Q. I have an eight-year gap with my littler sister and we have different dads. We also live far from each other.
I wanted a sibling for as long as I could remember. We grew up pretty close, and even after I moved out I would come home weekly to spend time with her and my mom. I fear the biggest problem between us is our relationship my stepdad (her dad), who died when she was pretty young. It was unexpected and very, very difficult for our family. I try to keep his memory alive by sharing stories and photos. I organize memorials and tributes to him and write about him in my journal. Last month marked 20 years since we lost him and I ordered a memorial plaque for him. I miss him every day. I was lucky to be raised by my stepdad.
I’m not going to go into the drama of the relationship with my biological dad, but I’ll sum up that it left me with some trauma and abandonment issues at a young age. He died when I was in my late 20s.
For some reason, I feel like my sister holds it against me, that I share memories of her dad. Perhaps because I had more time with him, or since I was older, I have more memories.
I can’t be sure, but she’s attacked me for sharing memories from my childhood. She has been inconsiderate to my feelings, dismissive of my suggestions, and tag-teams with my mom to make me feel left out. I’ve always felt like the black sheep due to many reasons, and it’s only gotten worse as I’ve gotten older. After years of therapy and a master’s degree in social work, I finally learned how to stand up for myself and set healthy boundaries. This became too much for the fragile state of my relationship with my sister and she didn’t take well to my higher self-esteem. I have several close female friends that I consider my “chosen sisters.”
I know that some siblings just aren’t very close. But she and I used to be. I did everything in my power to look out for her since her dad died and let her know she’s loved. As we aged, she just pushed me away. I have tried to talk to her but the conversations aren’t productive. And they ended when she started sharing my text messages with our mom. I feel like she broke “sister-code” and I cannot talk to her in a vulnerable way anymore. I keep waiting for her to grow up, become self-aware, and realize that she misses her big sister. She is now in her 30s and we only talk at family gatherings and send one-liners for birthdays.
My question for you is: How has your relationship with your sister changed over the years? Do you think there is hope for me to have a better relationship with my sister? I have the most ridiculous dating stories but I’ll save those for another letter.
BIG SISTER BLUES
A. Yes, send the dating stories whenever.
Sometimes it takes a long time before sisters (or any siblings) figure out a way to be close. Maybe it’ll happen when you’re in your 40s/50s.
This is a thought about grief, in general: Some people are uncomfortable with what they see as a performance of grief. It can feel competitive if one person goes bigger with it. Maybe one family member experiences grief in a nonlinear fashion, or very privately … meanwhile, another is taking pictures by a grave and posting them on Facebook. Understand that the way you honor your stepdad, even years later, might not align with how your mother and sister want to. It might be uncomfortable for them.
Along those lines, another thought: I was super close with my mom, and my memories of her are still pretty sharp. That puts me in a weirdly powerful position. When I’m with people she loved, I can tell them how she felt about them. I will tell one of her former piano students, “She said you made the music sound like something new.” I will tell her old friends how happy they made her. I make an effort to fill in gaps for people who didn’t get as much time with her. Especially with my sibling, who didn’t always get to see how much my mom appreciated her.
Your sister might have less positive memories of your dad. That’s OK, too. That’s her business.
Maybe one day you can say, “It always felt like we’ve grieved in different ways. I hope that didn’t prevent us from staying close.” Or maybe it’s best to say that to yourself — and let go.
Hang out with your friends. When family stuff comes up, let your sister take the lead. That seems to be what she wants — and she’s a grown-up now.
MEREDITH
READERS RESPOND: There could be many reasons your stepsister is distant, from the age gap to difference in values, to just being different people who can’t find common ground. The example you give seems related to something to do with your stepfather, but it’s actually entirely possible it’s not what you think it is. ASH
Maybe she doesn’t need you to help her remember him. That is what is straining your relationship with your sister. You’re trying to force intimacy in a way that you want and not really paying attention to what she needs.
SUNALSORISES
It’s too much — too intense — how you display grieving for your stepdad. It seems a bit insensitive to her. Of course he was incredibly special to you and of course you still miss him, but that was her biological father and I imagine she feels possessive of that and maybe resentful of how demonstrative you are in remembering him. Back off with the Dad memories and make an effort to engage with your sister at her level, with her interests, with her energy. Slowly.
CURLYHAIRDONTCARE
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