My sister-in-law is upset with me

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Q. Last year, when I was in grad school far from home, I had a tough time. I ended up dealing with severe mental health issues. My husband had to fly over to take care of me. We have been together for nine years. His family knew about the situation.

When I got back, my husband’s brother had a new girlfriend. I met with her once. I had reservations about her, but I was friendly during our meeting.

For that summer, I did not engage much with anyone socially. I declined a lot of invitations because I felt too depressed and wanted to take the time to recover. My sister-in-law later confronted me. She said I had been rude by ignoring her brother’s new girlfriend, and that I should not share my concerns about the girlfriend with her.

I gathered that she and the girlfriend had been talking about me behind my back while I was recovering. I feel betrayed and deeply hurt. I do not want to have any contact with her, but I understand that I need to stay civil because she is my husband’s sister.

FAMILY

A. First, I hope you’ve found good mental health professionals back home. That seems to be the most important thing — that you’re confident you’re getting helpful care.

As for family, it might help to separate the concerns you have about the brother’s girlfriend from the conversations you have about your own needs. It’s one thing to say, “Hey, sorry I’ve been antisocial. I’m still recovering from last year and I’ve needed time to recharge.” It’s another thing to say, “I get major bad vibes from my brother-in-law’s new girlfriend.”

One statement is about you. The other is about a woman you don’t want to deal with. It sounds like your needs got confused with your judgment of this new woman (which might be totally justified, by the way). Focus on you, not her, especially when you’re dealing with others.

Your sister-in-law can have boundaries. If she doesn’t want to hear your thoughts on her brother’s new girlfriend, that’s OK. You can find a different audience for that. The only relevant message, if it feels right to share, is that you don’t want to be rude or ignore anyone. You’ve needed some time to get better, and you hope everyone understands.

Leave the big communication to your husband. He can deal with his family and explain why you miss an event. Unless you’re super close with the sister, it’s on him to be the communicator anyway. Your bond with your husband is the most important one, right?

I understand why you feel betrayed and hurt. Just take care of yourself, focus on marriage, and when you’re ready, see how things feel with everyone else. MEREDITH

READERS RESPOND:

In-laws are best treated like work acquaintances. You can be friendly and polite while maintaining some emotional distance. Keep conversations surface-level and positive. Yes, it’s a performance. But you don’t see these people every day, right? DANGLEPARTICIPLE

You’re writing this letter in a “woe is me, they’re talking behind my back and I have major mental health problems” tone, but are conveniently leaving out how your sister-in-law knew you didn’t like the new girlfriend. She’d only know that if YOU had been talking behind the girlfriend’s back. A pot/kettle kind of thing, no? I don’t know much about what severe mental health entails, but my guess is people still can be nice to others occasionally. Whatever you did to completely alienate your husband’s family is rooted in more than a recently missed backyard BBQ. LUPELOVE

I find that the women in the family (mothers/sisters/in-laws, girlfriends) run the drama machine and cause most of the troubles in the family — especially when a new woman is arriving into the herd or an old one is exiting. You were blindsided because you did not expect your sister-in-law to be so supportive of the new girlfriend and set such a harsh boundary line. Now you know. No opinions or gossip; you will have to do that with your husband. It’s like junior high and very frustrating (it runs rampant in my own family and my husband’s family). Hopefully, if the new girlfriend becomes more permanent, you will get to know her better and change your opinion of her. First impressions can be misleading. AUNTTIGGYWINK

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