How to win an argument with a loved one, and what it will cost
Want to win an argument with your loved one almost every time you have a disagreement? I’m going to tell you exactly how to do that, but first a few words of warning. While you’ll be delighted to be getting your way (in fact, winning in conflicts with others often becomes addictive), you will eventually lose the loving feelings in your relationships.
Given that choice, the decision to have love in your life seems obvious, doesn’t it? Almost everyone would say that they value feeling loved over being right. But when it comes down to it many people go for getting what they want in the moment, and ultimately destroy the other person’s capacity to feel love for them.
Needing to win isn’t usually a conscious choice; it’s the way of relating that evolved growing up. Most people with this pattern are shocked when they suddenly discover that the loving feelings in their relationship have dissolved into deep dissatisfaction.
How many people act in ways that destroy the love in their marriage? Answer: 50% percent of first marriages, 67% of second and 74% of third marriages end in divorce, according to the Forest Institute of Professional Psychology.
How does this dysfunctional pattern of relating develop? Consider the way we tend to communicate when we’re in adolescence. Teenagers are often aggressive about telling others what they want. They frequently have little regard for the impact their interactions have on people or consideration of what others may need. Teens want to win arguments, and will say most anything to get their way.
When adolescents become frustrated, their base instincts drive the fight or flight
pattern: argue vehemently or withdraw into sullen silence. They become consumed with winning the argument and getting their way.
This is how to win: Don’t think about the other person – focus only on what you want and why they should give it to you. Use fight or flight tactics – tell yourself that someone who’s standing in the way of your getting what you want is bad. That will justify telling the person all the terrible things you think about them.
One effective tactic is to criticize someone to make them feel ashamed of themselves for asserting their needs rather than giving you what you want. Attack them personally by pointing out that they’re being selfish, inconsiderate, and disrespectful. Question what kind of person would act as they are.
Another strategy is to undermine their confidence by suggesting that they’re not nearly as nice or giving as others. Make unfavorable comparisons to others in order to induce feelings of inadequacy. That’s the kryptonite you can use to undermine your partner’s feelings of being good enough to be loved just as they are.
Flight sends an equally chilling message. Withdrawing signals to your partner that they’re no longer worthy of your love. By disengaging from the relationship, you suspend the loving connection in order to punish your partner for their failure to comply with your wishes.
Disregard the fact that by using these tactics you’re continually breaking your loving bond, thereby eroding the feelings of security that are essential for sustaining the relationship.
Don’t consider how your partner feels about frequently being on the receiving end of your contempt. It’s easier to manipulate them if you keep them wondering whether the loving attachment will be there or not.
By creating uncertainty you’ll arouse anxiety in your partner, making it uncomfortable to be around one another. The relationship will increasingly feel tense, guarded, and defensive. You can use those uncomfortable feelings to rationalize why you’re avoiding contact – which is great because then you can just go do what you want.
As you get better at using these tactics you may find that your partner tries to placate you by giving in more and more in order to avoid the conflicts. Ignore the resentment that’s building inside of them because you’re getting what you want and they’re not. Stay focused on the fact that you’re winning.
With practice you’ll be able to smooth over the rough edges of your communication style, masking the fact that you’re using adolescent strategies to get what you want. The more you win in the competition of life and love, the bigger the ego boost. You’ll succeed while others fail – a sure sign that you’re great and they’re not. To the victor go the spoils.
Don’t worry about the relationships you’re spoiling. Just tell yourself that you’re right and they’re wrong, so they should just shut up.