ASK AMY Smoothing out a crumpled friendship

DearAmy: I ama single male inmy early 30s. After lawschool, Imet “Judith,” andwe became best friends. Judith and Iwere both competitive athletes in the same sport, the same age, and knew some of the same people.

The friendshipwas always strictly platonic. Honestly, I considered her my best friend.

We had a falling-out over something quite petty, on its face: After a fun partyweekend in the mountains, I felt compelled to ask her (and her boyfriend) to pay for part of the lodging expenses. It reallywasn’t about the actual money, but I couldn’t help but to feel used. It embarrassedme to ask her to contribute after the fact, when I had assumed that theywould step up without asking.

Anyway, the resulting (text) conversationwe had was insulting. She brought up topics fromthe past thatwere completely unrelated and out of line. I felt hurt and betrayed.

This happened over a year ago. She has reached out multiple times to apologize and try to mend fences. For the most part, I do not respond.

Most recently, she reached out to ask if I considered the friendship permanently over. She wanted to inviteme to her engagement party. I do think her attempts to reconcile have been genuine, and she understands that shewas in the wrong regarding our falling-out.

The thing is, I don’t want to be friends with her. I feel like once the paper is crumpled up, it can’t be perfect again. I can forgive her for the petty argument, but I will never forget howit made me feel. Theway I view her as a person has been forever altered.

Do I need to rethinkmy approach regarding friendship? AmIwrong to think it’s fine tomove on from friendships when they prove to be broken beyond repair, regardless of all the positive memories associated with the friendship during an important period of life?

— Disoriented in Denver

Dear Disoriented: In a perfectworld, wewould never need to smooth out a piece of crumpled paper in order to reread what’s written upon it; we wouldn’t need to accept an apology; wewould never face the necessity of forgiving someone.

However, theworld is not perfect. No one’s story (yours included) can be read on pristine paper.

I think it’s possible that “Judith” has changed. She is being honest, contrite and apologetic. She is extending a hand. You have firmly anchored to your disappointment. Iwonder if this is the kind of person youwant to be.

In short, yes, I do think you need to rethink your approach to friendship (this one, and perhaps others, aswell).

This reevaluation doesn’t mean that you must reenter Judith’s life, but most disappointments offer opportunities for growth. Judithmay have grown. Have you?

My English teacher told me about you. She suggested that I reach out for some advice.

My real concern is that

DearAmy:

I’m planning to go to college next year, but I don’t knowwhat I’m going to study yet. I’m excited about studying, but the current situation within the pandemic is not the greatest.

I don’t feel ready to go to university.

What do you think is best? Should Imake plans to go to college, or should I take a gap year?

— Confused about College

Dear Confused: I like the idea of delaying college by a year, especially for younger students. (I started college at 17 and often wish I hadwaited).

I think it’s a great idea, especially now, to consider taking a year towork part time and have some miniadventures (if your folks are willing to have you at home). Taking classes at your local community college will help you to zero in on possible courses of study.

DearAmy: I appreciated your response to “No Words,” who discovered that shewas mistaken about the identity of the man she thought had fathered her child.

I agreed with you when you cut through the complications and said that she had “done a lot of things right.”

— Once a TeenMom

DearMom: Iwas impressed by thiswoman’s total honesty regarding her challenging history.