ASK AMY Sister is mired in an abusive marriage
DearAmy: I have a sister in her 30s who has been married for a few years to a man thatmy family and I thought very highly of— until recently, when his true colors came out.
A few months ago, he andmy sister had an argument, and he sent a text to our entire family saying horrible and vulgar things about her.
Thiswas just the beginning. As it turns out, he is very controlling (telling her whom she can and cannot speak to atwork). He treats her with disrespect in front of their children. He makes her feel like everything she does is wrong.
Shewas always such a self-assured youngwoman. It breaksmy heart to see her going through this and questioning herself. She even said to me recently that his actions make her wonder if she deserves to be treated badly. That mademe so sad for her. I reassured her that no one deserves to be treated this way!
Iwent through this for far too long withmy exhusband, so I knowexactly what she is dealing with, and yet, I don’t knowwhat to do for her or what to tell her. She’s not to the point ofwanting to leave yet. She says she still loves him. I knowit might take time (like it did for me)— to see the light.
What can I do for her in the meantime?
— Heavy-Hearted Sister
Dear Sister: You have insight into this sad situation because you experienced it, yourself, and so you should treat your sister theway you wish you had been treated by concerned family members.
Remember howyou felt when youwere in her shoes, and behavewith empathy, compassion, patience, and understanding
People in abusive partner relationships have many competing agendas, includingworrying about their children, economic pressure, feeling repressed, intimidated, frightened and alone. They also risk being harshly judged for staying in the relationship.
Leaving an abusive relationship is also often a very dangerous flashpoint.
Don’t lecture your sister, or issue ultimatums. Tell her, “I love you, I’mworried that you are losing yourself, and I amhere to help you and the kids whenever you need it. I’m on your side forever, and I’m not leaving.” Do not focus too much on her husband and his behavior (shemay become defensive) but keep the focus consistently on her.
DearAmy: I believe I’m in love with a man who enjoys having sex with both men andwomen.
He says I’m enough for him, and that hewants to get married, eventually.
I keep catching him sneaking and hiding his phone.
Iwonder if I should walk away and stopwaiting for him. We’ve been together for over two years, and he said he loves me— but Iwonder if it’s worth it.
— Wondering
Sneaking and hiding a cellphone is a pretty obvious indication that your guy is, well, sneaking and hiding
DearWondering:
something.
You could start by asking him what is on his phone that he doesn’twant you to see.
Regarding you and your feelings, you’ve probably heard the expression: “The heartwants what itwants.” There is no question about that.
However, after over two years in a relationship, you need to consider the impact of another organ: your brain.
You probably knowby nowthat your guy isn’t a good bet for marriage. At this point, you need to decide on and time your departure. Nowor later— it’s up to you.
DearAmy: Thank you for your thoughtful reply to “UpsetWife,” who felt her husband should stop calling his siblings until they reciprocated.
Iwould add that it is not her (or her husband’s) job to make them better siblings. It is his job to be the best brother he can be, and it seems he is succeeding in this.
To paraphrase St. Francis: Seek to love rather than be loved, to understand rather than be understood, and to forgive rather than to be forgiven. Amen!
— Grateful forNo Regrets
Dear Grateful: The wisdom you’ve shared provides a key which I believe unlocks the door to healthier relationships, aswell as true personal contentment.