Doting neighbor’s flirtation needs to be discouraged
Dear Miss Manners: I am friendly with a neighbor in my building. I have helped him on a couple of occasions, giving him referrals to get help with legal matters, and he has helped me twice with moving heavy furniture.
I’m not interested in this man, other than to be neighborly. I am not quite sure about his intentions, and I’m tryingmy best to take him at hisword that he’s interested only in being a friend.
However, lately, when he texts me, he says things like “Hello beautiful,” “Hi, pretty one,” etc., which makes me extremely uncomfortable.
During the first part of the pandemic, he called me with a legal question, and somehowthe conversation diverted to religion, since he expressed interest in the church I attend. He has also suggested thatwe go out for dinner once the quarantine is over (or “over” to the extent that we can do so safely), to which I managed to reply, “Maybe one day.”
That’smyway of saying “no.”
What is the politeway to respond to these “niceties”? I feel disrespected when he calls me “My beautiful,” which he only seems to do when texting. Fortunately, I’ve only run into him once lately. But I don’t knowhowto respond.
Gentle reader: Men in love, ormoving in that direction, do not hear “no” when told “maybe.”
Itwould be facile, not to mention unfair, to say they always hear “yes.” They may just hear what you actually said, which obscures the certainty in your heart.
MissManners hears that you do not like to say no. Few people do. But characterizing his awkward attempts at flirtation as disrespectful is not going to criminalize his actions or absolve you fromclarifying your position.
Whether this is done in plain English or vague phrases is up to you. Miss Manners suggests something along the lines of, “Thank you, but I’m afraid that will not be possible; I have other commitments.”
Whether such commitments are to another gentleman or simply to your own preferences need not be stated.
I live on a short cul-de-sac that is nestled within a larger neighborhood. My husband and I takewalks several times a day.
During many of our eveningwalks, we see a young family with two children: One is in a stroller, and the other is about 4 or 5. On several occasions, we havewalked down the cul-de-sac to our home to find this couple and their child playing basketball at the mobile hoop that is set up on the street. These people do not live on this street and, to my knowledge, are not friendly with anyone who does. AmI being irritated for no reason, or is this rude behavior?
Dear Miss Manners:
Gentle reader: Strike up a conversation— then they will no longer be strangers. In the current climate, MissManners is inclined to be indulgent about sharing even semi-public facilities, when options are so limited. As long as the family is respectful of the equipment and cleans up after themselves, itwould be kind to let them use it without fuss. If it becomes the site for a birthday party or family reunion, however, youmay politely step in and inform them that it is private property.
Dear Miss Manners:
When traveling by public transportation, is it proper tomove from a seat next to another person to one next to an empty seat?
Americans have a tendency to spread out when we can, so I generally expect that the person next to me (especially if she or he is seated by the window and can’t easily move) would appreciate the extra space. But I don’t wish to give offense ifmymoving is likely to causemy seatmate to think I find his or her proximity unpleasant.
Gentle reader: The pandemic has changed so many things about our daily lives that it is noticeable when something stays the same.
Switching seatswas never rude— so long as it was done with an absentminded look, as if you thought youwere getting off, realized thiswas not your stop, and sat back down in the nearest available seat. MissManners insisted on this bit of playacting so as to preserve the possibility that your actionwas not a complaint about size, body odor or telephone habits.
It is all the more useful to avoid implying that a person may not only be carrying a fatal disease, and is heartless enough to knowingly inflict it on fellowtravelers.
To send a question to the MissManners team of JudithMartin, Nicholas IvorMartin and Jacobina Martin, go to missmanners .com or write them c/o UniversalUclick, 1130Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.