Respect in a relationship is more than just listening

Michelle grewup being told by her mother that forgivenesswas always the best course of action when someone treated her badly. Growing up with an angry and controlling father, she had plenty of practice turning the other cheek.

As it is with many people, Michelle has followed the pattern of relating she learned in childhood. She got married to Reggie, but found that he began to make demeaning remarks that hurt her deeply. Michelle’s self-esteem started to suffer significantly.

Early on in their relationship, Reggie learned that he could get hisway by being critical of Michelle. But Reggie didn’t stop at saying shewaswrong when theywere having disputes. Hemade contemptuous personal comments designed to degrade her so that she’d feel bad about herself. He diminished her self-confidence and thereby increased his power.

Over time Michelle felt as if shewere drowning in a sea of ridicule. Reggie disregarded all thatwas important to her, made false accusations, and maintained a meanspirited focus on her faults. Forgiving Reggie only allowed his anger to escalate.

Michelle gave Reggie hisway hoping it would make him happy. It didn’t. In fact, as timewent on Reggie became more and more disgusted with her. Michelle became increasingly resentful and depressed. And Reggie got less and less of what hewanted from the marriage.

Michelle felt so badly about herself that she had a hard time believing that she could leave Reggie and go on to create a good life for herself. She could only see whatwaswrong with her, and nearly lost sight of the fact that she had many good qualities.

In spite of being treated so badly by Reggie, Michelle kept forgiving him. She believed that if she did the right thing, he would learn to do the same. But over time she realized thatwas never going to happen. Forgiving Reggie only served to reinforce his mistreatment of her. His behavior gotworse over time. So did her depression.

Over the last few years, studies have shown that forgiveness canwork. But only for spouses whose partners rarely become hostile. In fact, these couples have very high levels of happiness.

On the other hand, partners who are forgiving toward spouses who frequently behave badly experienced steady declines in satisfaction. If one partner habitually made critical and contemptuous remarks, forgiveness only created perpetual problems.

Research reveals that people suffer damaging effects to their self-respect and self-concept if they forgive a spouse who does not make them safe and valued in the marriage. When people fail to stand up for themselves by setting appropriate boundaries, they create a condition that the social scientists call “the doormat effect.”

The current studies recommend forgiving mistreatment in your marriage only if your partner demonstrates in bothwords and deeds that they will make the relationship safe and secure. In addition to reducing negative interactions, your partner must be willing and able to create positive exchanges by recognizing the good qualities that you bring to the rela

tionship.

Michellewent to counseling to deal with her depression. She learned that shewas reacting the way many people do when their spouse is continually critical. She also learned that she had to stand up for herself and insist on being treated with respect. However, it took a while for her to figure out howto do that.

Respect in a relationship, Michelle discovered, consists of someone listening to what you have to say andworking to understand your point of view – particularly when they have a different opinion. It’s that second part that is most important. If someone truly cares about you, they will respect your point of view regardless of whether they agree with it or not.

In fact, they will hold as a core value that “two heads are better than one.” That perspective will enable your partner to see the value of your point of view. Your conversations will look at all aspects of a problem. This leads to discussions that seek to find mutually satisfactory solutions.

Michelle found that putting self-respect into practice is a concept that’s easier said than done. She struggled to fight through feeling badly about herself when Reggie continued attacking her during their discussions.

Eventually, Michelle stepped into her courage and insisted that they go to amarriage counselor. To his credit, Reggie admitted hewas addicted to being “right.” But he also acknowledged that hewas unhappy as well. The healing journeywas underway.