Avoid being a chronic apologizer
WHY SAYING ‘I’M SORRY’ TOO MUCH SETS YOU BACK
You’ve probably heard people around you slip the phrase “I’m sorry” into conversation— sometimes as a real apology, other times as a mere transitional or buffer phrase. Unfortunately, this habit can confuse listeners and discredit the speaker.
Women, in particular, often say “I’m sorry” as away of showing concern, empathy and understanding. The term is used to indicate their personal connection, appreciation of a problem, and sense of care and closeness. “I’m sorry” functions forwomen as shorthand for “I’m with you. You and I are on the same page.”
Women’s use of “I’m sorry” to express affinity and compassion is understandable, and often even admirable, but it can be quite bad in manyworkplace situations. For example, suppose your boss or a colleague says:
■ “Our client is upset.”
■ “We just lost that account.”
■ “Our presentationwent badly.” Responding to remarks with “I’m sorry” can suggest you are in someway responsible for things having gone wrong or, at a minimum, you are clueless about the seriousness of the situation.
If things go off the rails— and you have had nothing to do with the mishap — you should avoid “I’m sorry” and focus instead on howthings can be put right, perhaps by saying something like:
■ “I have an idea of howwe can calm him down.”
■ “Howcanwe make sure that doesn’t happen again?”
■ “I thinkwe need to rethink our approach, and here is one approachwe might consider.”
In otherwords, in situations in which things have gone amiss and you are in no way responsible, find away to direct the conversation toward fixing the problem or changing matters going forward.
There are, of course, situations in which saying “I’m sorry” is perfectly appropriate as an expression of sympathy and solidarity. For example, saying “I’m sorry” or— even better—“I amso sorry. Is there anything I can do to help?” may be the best thing you can say when a friend tells you they suffered a recent injury or their partner is sick.
There is a third type of situation in which saying “I’m sorry” may not raise a doubt about your culpability, comprehension or competence, but which is nevertheless aweak response and is likely to be viewed asmerely perfunctory. For example, suppose someone says: ■ “It’s raining.”
■ “The game has been called off.” ■ “Wewon’t be able to meet thisweek because of the virus.”
In this type of situation, a response other than “I’m sorry” is likely to be far more appreciated and appropriate. The best approach is to cast things in a more positive light or offer a possible solution. Saying something like the following might be useful and appreciated:
■ “I hear theweather will be better tomorrow.”
■ “When have they scheduled a makeup game?”
■ “What about trying to set up a Zoom meeting?”
The existence of these different types of situations should make it clear that saying “I’m sorry” should hardly be used as a universal response when matters are not as one might wish them to be. Yet manywomen use the phrase as if itwere a universal solvent, the appropriate response no matter what the cause of occurrence.
Somewomen’s tendency to use “I’m sorry” so often is often due to their having internalized the common gender stereotype thatwomen should be kind, caring and concerned about others.
The problem is that by conforming to this stereotype, awoman often undermines her ability to project an impression of confidence, competence and strength. Thus, there is a clear double bind forwomen, whatwe call the Goldilocks Dilemma. Whenwomen are seen as caring and essentially communal, they are seen as likable— but typically without leadership potential. On the other hand, if they present themselves as confident and forceful, they can be seen as talented but bossy, arrogant and unlikable
Men, on the other hand, typically resist saying “I’m sorry” unless an apology is actuallywarranted— and even then they use the phrase reluctantly. Men are likely to see apologizing as diminishing their power and increasing the power of another person.
Here are some tips about apologizing in the career context:
Not every mistake youmake calls for an apology.
Consider whether an apology is expected, whether it will reduce anger or disappointment, and whether it will promote amore harmonious business relationship going forward. Unless you can answer yes to at least one of those questions, move on and put the incident behind you without a second thought. And when you do make amistake, keep in mind: You can apologize for messing things up, but the acknowledgment doesn’t solve the true reason for yourmistake.
If an apology is called for, make it promptly, forthrightly and sincerely.
Look the other person in the eyes (and by all means try to always apologize face-to-face, whether in person or via Zoom), speak firmly, without hesitation or mumbling, and be direct and brief. Wait calmly for the other person’s response and once the mistake has been addressed, move on to another topic without embarrassment or discomfort.
Apologize to the right person. You don’t need to tell your colleagues, “I am so sorry I bungled John’s project.” Apologize to John, go back towork and don’t make the same mistake again. Placing your regret on public display makes you appear vulnerable, weak and lacking in confidence. Amistake is not a crime, and shame is not an appropriate emotional response.
Context is always important. If you need to apologize to a senior person who has not been supportive of your career, you need to think far more carefully about when, howand where you should apologize than youwould if you owed an apology to a coworker withwhomyou have a close personal relationship.
An appropriate apology is always welcome when it is called for, but use “I’m sorry” as an expression of concern and sympathy when no fault is involved. And when you intend to use the term as an apology, only turn to it when you are the one who needs to make amends.