ASK AMY Speak up when responding to slur

DearAmy: I ama Black manwhoworks in awarehouse setting.

In the last three jobs I’ve had, a white co-worker has used the “N” word tome, while not specifically callingmethe name.

I find even the mention of theword hurtful and I do not use itmyself, even in description or whengreeting a fellowBlack person.

Atmy previous job, a co-worker used theword three times, andwhen I complained to HR, they really didn’t do anything, so I found another job.

Atmy current job, two co-workers have used the word, one to describe a movie he loves fromthe ’70s. The other guy just thought itwasOKto say it casually about nobody in particular.

This mademefeel hurt and angry inside, but I didn’t say anything because honestly, I felt (and feel) powerless.

I’ve dealt with this kind of behavior since elementary school. I realize I can’t control others’ thoughts or actions. I also believe that going toHRis useless, and they will do nothing.

I can’t believe howpainful this is. What can I do?

— Disgusted

I shared your question with MauriceRuffin, aNew Orleans attorney, professor of writing, and author of one ofmy favorite novels, “WeCast a Shadow” (2020, OneWorld).

Here is his response: “I’m sorry for your pain. I knowhowit feels to have random acquaintances use the ‘N’word. I’ve been called the ‘N’wordmyself; most recently by awhite womanwhothought Iwas

DearDisgusted:

out of earshot. I let her knowwhat I thought of that. Shewas ashamed to have been caught.

“ToniMorrison said that racism is designed to distract you. And I believe it. I also think thework of racism is to silence you. I’m sure all the people you mentioned are aware that theword is a slur. No doubt, that’swhy they used it in the first place. Maybe they think it’s cool or dangerous to use it. That’s not your problem.

“If you feel offended, you should speak up for yourself because if you hold it inside, you’ll feel evenworse. You should tell your co-workers you don’t appreciate their comments. If you don’t feel safe telling them, go to your supervisor, because that’s the job of management: to resolve issues that affect your ability to do your jobwell. And if your supervisor is not helpful, report the issue to their superior, and so on up the chain.

“Thework of racism is to distract and silence you. Don’t let these co-workers distract or silence you. My mamasaid, ‘Don’t ever let them run you off, because you’ll never stop running.’”

“YOUknowwhoyou are, but, clearly, they don’t.”

Showthem.

Ihave recently started (online) therapy. After only a few sessions, I feel comfortable with her and hope to establish a good relationship in order towork through some old traumas.

During our last session, she suggested I read a recent self-help book and followthe exercises.

DearAmy:

The author of the book relates her beneficial experience with feeling energy fields, aura balancing, past lives, premonitions, and literally talking to your soul and hearing it answer you. I consider this pseudoscience, or just plain nonsense. I think the modern term is “woo-woo.”

I don’t think I should try to fake “talking tomy soul” in order to complete an exercise.

Doyou think I should tellmy therapist that I reject such hokum, or find another person to tellmy troubles to?

— NoCrystals forMe

Be honest! Tell her that you are resistant to this particular approach and ask if she has a different recommendation. She will likely ask you to talk about your reaction, and this conversation might lead to insight.

Inmy experience, there are occasionally nuggets of truth hidden in the “woo-woo,” but if that doesn’twork for you, you have no need to apologize.

DearNoCrystals:

DearAmy: Ihavea suggestion for “About to Blow,” whose neighbor persists in asking personal financial questions.

I stop people with, “That’s a very personal question,” and then I stop. I can’t guarantee theywon’t do it again, but they usually remembermy response.

I like it.