ASK AMY Must divorced couples remain friends?
DearAmy: For several years I had been unhappy withmy husband’s defensiveness and the hair trigger irritability he had displayed since our younger days, but I decided to stick with him after hewas diagnosed with a potentially debilitating condition.
After being soundly berated for unjust reasons, I pulled away but still made nice dinners, exchanged ideas about books, watchedmovies together, etc.
He announced that he was going to start “dating.” He toldmethat he had already signed up for an online matching site.
I told him that in that case Iwanted a divorce, and Iwasn’t interested in working on salvaging the marriage.
He met someone almost immediately, and yet still expectedme to live cordiallywith him. He acted as if thiswas his right. The situationwas extremely stressful, and Iwanted him to leave the home immediately. After six months, hemoved out.
The divorcewas finalized recently and nowhe expectsmeto be his friend, which I have no intention of doing.
Our adult children feel distant fromhim for their own reasons. Nowhe feels lonelyandblamesme for the situation.
I’m happier being on my own, but feel confused about howto have stronger boundaries, even though he had no empathy for me, especially during the months when he refused tomove out. DoI have any responsibility toward him? AmI too empathetic?
— Foolish
DearFoolish: Your divorce severed your legal and emotional obligations toward your ex-husband. If this is trulywhatyouwant, even temporarily, then you certainly have the right to cut all ties with him.
If he hadwanted to stay friendswith you, perhaps he should have treated you more like a friend during that time when you needed his friendship the very most. Some wise couples manage to do this, even when they are parting.
The most urgent and important reason for couples to maintain a cordial relationship with one another post-divorce is to protect the emotional connection with the children you share.
Your children are adults, and they can try to maintain their own emotional tieswith their father.
Your ex-husband’s loneliness is his own burden to manage. He’ll have to figure out howto do this, without you as a companion. Your job nowis to decide onwhat youwant. You could convey your boundaries by explaining them (“I gave this relationshipmy all, formany years. NowI’m done,”) and then adhering to these boundaries by refusing to be manipulated.
In time, you twomay relax into a friendlier relationship, but your own role in any relationship with him will be up to you.
DearAmy: My 50-yearold sister has been divorced for 15 years.
She recently met a very nicemanwho proposed lastweek (two months later). They are nowplanning awedding around Christmas.
We are in a state with risingCOVID-19 cases. I’m anxious about bringingmy family to attend her wedding.
She maintains that it’s my decision to attend.
Itwill be inher large home with 30 or so guests.
Ihate to miss her weddingandIhatetodisappointherandmy parents, whoallseemtohave limited COVID-19cautionor care, but it seemsirresponsible during apandemic.
I’mcertaintherewill be no social distancing or masks. What should I do?
— TheCautious Sister
DearCautious: Your sister is giving you an out. Take it. You should ask if the couplewould be willing to livestreamtheir wedding via Facetime or another app. All itwould take is a connection, and a phone set up on a tripod.
DearAmy: “Three Daughters” wereworried about their widower-dad’s current partner.
They should contact a trusts and estates attorney to discuss what actions they can take to prevent the newwoman from exerting undo influence, and to undo whatmight have already been done.
They need to do this immediately while their father is still unmarried.
Oncehe is married, the newspouse is afforded muchgreater standing than children in estate matters.
— Steve
Thank you!