ASK AMY Long engagement brings on frustration

DearAmy: I’m 55 years old. I’ve been engaged to a 44-year-oldmansince 2013. After seven years spent with the both of us living with his parents, he keeps saying that he wants to get married. We have even planned a small wedding a couple of times, buthenevergoes through with it.

I love thisman totally, but I’m just not happywith the current living situation.

HowdoIgethimto understand— or should I walk away?

— Torn

DearTorn: Your guy already understands you. Heknowswhat youwant.

He obviously does not want the same thing.

Whenyou’rewrapped up in a relationship with a very long history (such as yours), things can seem complicated, but never forget this very simple fact: The greatmajority of the time, people dowhat they want to do.

Take a good 360-degree look at your situationwith this thought: “People do what theywant to do.”

Your guy likes things just as they are. Howmany timesmust he demonstrate that he likes things as they are in order for youtobelievehim? And whywould you continue towant to marry someone whoquite obviously does notwant to marry you? I assume it is because you also like things as they are.

You are 55 years old. Your choices are to either choose tospendtherest of your life engaged and cohabiting with your guy’s parents, or to leave. But — because you have this choice, you don’t get to blame him for your

unhappiness.

DearAmy: I feel like a selfish jerk, but I amonly one of two inmy generation inmy family. I have a cousin, “Stella,” who I believe is at least mildly senile.

Stella and I talk by phone— she does not use any technologymore advanced than that. I find our conversations pretty painful— she is repetitive and sometimes argumentative. I knowshe is lonely.

AmIobligatedtokeep in touchwith her?

— SurvivingCousin

DearCousin: You are not obligated to contact your cousin, and yet you should, anyway. Coach yourself before a call. Ask questions, prompt her to talk about the past if shewants to, don’t contradict her, breathe, and be patient. If itwould help you, you could set a timer so the call isn’t too open-ended.

Remind yourself that you are contacting her out of kindness. Being patient and kind to her willmake you feel good. After a call, pat yourself on the back.

DearAmy: In a recent column, you published a question from“New Mama.” She had anew baby and her husband had a long commute to his job. According toher, hewas unsympathetic to what she was going through.

I’m a little tired of these womenwho have babies and then whine and cry about having to take care of them. They should have thought of that before they had them.

Breastfeeding (if that’s what you do) and losing a little sleep in the beginning is natural and part of the job.

Her husbandworks long and hard so that she has the privilege of taking care of that baby at home.

Whenare thesewomen going towake up and stop whining about it? I had children, breastfed and took care of themmyself.

My husbandwent to work every day so thatwe had a lot of good things in life. I appreciated that.

— FedUp

DearFedUp: In addition to taking sole care of her baby, “NewMama” was alsoworking (fromhome) to bring in household money.

Inmy view, shewasn’t whining at all— but merely describingwhat her life was like and asking for ideas for howto cope through this phase, with an unsympathetic partner.

I suspect that, in addition to being exhausted and overwhelmed, this newmother might also have postpartum depression, which is potentially very serious. If you have not experienced this (or knownsomeonewho has), youdon’t seemtohave the capacity to imagine what it might be like.

Additionally, is it absolutely necessary that everyone should experience life’s challengeswith the same equanimity as you have? You seem to have been both fortunate and competent during your child-rearing years. Now might be a good time to work on your compassion.