Pandemic and cancer overwhelming

DearAmy: My parents are not concerned about COVID-19. They believe the liberal media has blownit out of proportion and they refuse to take precautions.

My family and I, however, do. I decided to stop our limited outdoor visits when I learned they were attending a church that also did not follow precautionary measures.

WhenI refused to take my kids (ages 6 and 9) to a birthday party at their house, bothmy parents andmy adult siblings did not talk tomefor a month.

Mombroke the silence to disclose that shewas recently diagnosed with cancer. She is not the dramatic type andwould not fabricate this diagnosis.

She has always said shewould never undergo chemo or radiation. And she is sticking to that decision. Howcan I handle this? I don’t knowwhere to begin explaining tomy kids that grandma is sick andwill most likely die in the next year, and thatwe can’t go to her.

Howdo I say goodbye tomy mother, and live withmyself, while socially distancing? Howdo I navigate a funeral with a large extended family (Momhas nine siblings, with 40 adult married cousins and their children), most ofwhom probably don’t follow COVID-19 precautions either.

I amabsolutely gutted. I can’t fathom howsomany people have no regard for others around them.

— Cancer& COVID

DearC& C: I’m so sorry you are going through this. At times of high stress (and most other times, too), it helps to break things down into manageable portions. You need to try your hardest— every single day— not to get ahead of yourself.

I hope you can communicate frankly with your mother regarding her illness. Has she gotten a second (or third) opinion? Is her cancer treatable? I think it’s relatively commonto have an all-or-nothing reaction to a cancer diagnosis, until a person fully understands the illness and their various treatment options.

Would she be willing to participate on a group call with you and your siblings, so that you will all have the same information from her?

If your stress is off the charts and obvious to your children, you can say to them that youmiss seeing yourmomand that sometimes youworry about her. If they can help you, it will help them, but don’t talk to them about your mother’s prognosis until you know more.

DearAmy: My mother mentioned tome thatmy brother is shopping for an engagement ring for his girlfriend ofmany years.

I don’t particularly like her. I don’t like howshe treats him and howhe treats her.

I think he deserves someonewhomakes him happy. I knowit’s notmy decision tomake. Maybe they are happy, butmy family stresses them out so they are unpleasant to each other whenever they are around us.

With the holidays coming up, I imagine he will find a time to tellme that he’s proposing.

HowamI supposed to react? I don’twant to alienate him by saying, “I think you deserve better, but it’s your choice,” but Iwould be lying if I pretended to be excited.

We aren’t very close. Thoughts?

— Meh

Oneway to cover yourself is to restate some benign facts and ask some benign questions.

Benign fact:“Wow, you two have been together for a long timenow.”

Benign questions: “Howdid you decide to get engaged? Howare you going to pop the question? What are your plans for a wedding?”

Benign reaction: “This is exciting news for you two. Congratulations.”

DearMeh:

DearAmy: “Perplexed” wonderedwhy she had such a crush on a guy at the gym.

Any activity that gives you an endorphin “high” can fan unusual crushes.

Iwas infatuated withmy flight instructor, scratching my head as towhy. Aha! Endorphins! After I realized that, Iwas able to just enjoy flying without the sexual baggage.

My husband leftme to chase his female exercise partner. He still hasn’t figured it out, and he hasn’t caught her yet.

DearPatty: I called it “TheRyan GoslingEffect.” Your response is better.