Why Zoom calls can leave us feeling tired
Consent should be up to niece, not aunt
The COVID-19 pandemic has moved our lives into a virtual space. Why is that so exhausting?
The tiredness doesn’t feel earned. We’re not flying an airplane, teaching toddlers or rescuing people trapped in burning buildings. Still, by the end of the day, the feeling is so universal that it has its own name: Zoom fatigue.
Stanford University professor Jeremy Bailenson, founding director of the Stanford Virtual Human Interaction Lab, has some answers. In research recently published in the journal Technology, Mind and Behavior, he describes the psychological impact of spending hours every day on Zoom, Google Hangouts, Skype, FaceTime or other video-calling interfaces. It’s the first peer-reviewed article to analyze Zoom fatigue from a psychological perspective.
There are four major reasons, according to Bailenson, that video chats make us so weary.
We’re too close for comfort
Think of the normal meeting. You might be looking at the speaker. Or maybe you’re noticing those fancy new window blinds or the traffic on the streets below. But on Zoom calls, everyone is staring at everyone, all the time. And our faces can appear too large.
When so many faces are so close to ours in real life, our subconscious tells us they either want to pick a fight or have sex.
“What’s happening, in effect, when you’re using Zoom for many, many hours is you’re in this hyper-aroused state,” Bailenson said.
■ Solution: Exit out of the fullscreen option to shrink faces’ size. Use an external keyboard to create a comfortable space.
We really hate watching ourselves
For most of us, that quick morning glimpse in the mirror is all we really need. After hours of self-gazing, we turn critical.
“It’s taxing on us. It’s stressful,” said Bailenson. “There are negative emotional consequences to seeing yourself in a mirror.”
■ Solution: Use the “hide self view” button, which you can access by right-clicking your own photo, once your face is framed properly in the video.
We’re trapped in a chair
Humans are restless creatures. During phone calls, we like to wander around. Even if stuck at a meeting at a conference table, we find ways to stretch. But with videoconferencing, we’re limited by the camera’s narrow field of view. This is both physically and mentally deadening.
“There’s a growing research now that says when people are moving, they’re performing better cognitively,” Bailenson said.
■ Solution: An external camera farther away from the screen lets you doodle, release neck tension, do a seated twist or fidget, just like you do in real meetings.
We can’t see body language, so it takes more energy to communicate
At their best, meetings can act like subtle symphonies, with everyone harmonizing their postures, laughter and knowing glances. We read each other’s cues. Conversations have rhythm.
Not so with Zoom. There’s a rigidity, with only one speaker at a time. We must listen closely for sentence completion, so we don’t interrupt. To make an important point, we must add drama and flair.
“If you want to show someone that you are agreeing with them, you have to do an exaggerated nod or put your thumbs up,” said Bailenson. “That adds cognitive load as you’re using mental calories in order to communicate.”
■ Solution: During long stretches of meetings, give yourself an “audio only” break. Don’t just turn off your camera — turn your body away from the screen. Gaze at that wall that needs painting or the birds outside the window.
Dear Amy: Last summer my niece come to stay with me. She was 18 at the time.
I could tell that one of my adult friends, “Stan,” was attracted to her, so I asked him not to have sex with her.
A few months later, my niece told me that Stan had had sex with her and that she didn’t like it and was uncomfortable with it.
She asked me not to mention it to him. Finally, she told me that she had worked it out and that they had stopped.
I was annoyed with Stan because I had specifically asked him not to do this. He said it was unfair of me to ask him, since she was not a minor.
I told him it would have been better if he had spoken to me about it instead of me having to find out about it from my niece. It has really affected our relationship, and I’m not sure if it can be repaired.
Stan says that if he had to do it over again, he would do the same, even though I had asked him not to.
— Angry Aunt
Dear Angry: Your tone conveys a sense of ownership, rather than concern, regarding this teenager.
You are not your niece’s sexual gatekeeper. On the other hand, you cast your friend as a predator, and your concern obviously has been well-placed. But shouldn’t you have talked to your niece about this in advance, instead of wasting your breath on him?
Your attention should now be focused entirely on your niece’s well-being. She is quite obviously (and understandably) confused about the nature of this sexual relationship. Is she OK? Is this OK? She might not know, and rather than you dictating to her, you should be as nonjudgmental as possible, so she will feel comfortable talking with you about it.
Accompany her to a health clinic to make sure she has birth control counseling and STD tests.
Talk to her about consent. She has the right to decide what she wants to do, sexually. If she doesn’t consent, her choice must be respected, and if she didn’t consent to whatever transpired last summer, then she has the right to go to the police.
In terms of possibly repairing your relationship with “Stan,” I can’t imagine why you would want to. Even if his behavior wasn’t illegal, unethical, or even any of your business — if you don’t like hanging out with an unrepentant horn dog, then there is no reason to maintain the friendship.
Dear Amy: I am 74-yearold happily married woman. My three adult daughters went in on a birthday gift for me, and what they chose was a (sex toy) vibrator!
I never indicated a need for this, and I am both shocked and insulted. So is my husband.
How should I react to this? The cat “Stanley” likes it and purrs when I place it on his side.
— Upset Mom
Dear Upset: You should contact your daughters, as a group, and ask an openended question: “Ladies: What were you thinking? What’s this about?”
They may respond, “Oh, Mom, get it together — it was a joke!” To which you can say, “Really? Please explain to me exactly what the joke is here, because I’m not getting it. On the other hand, it seems to be working for Stanley. He’s never been happier.”
Attach a video of the cat with his new sex toy, which should help to make your point, leavened with some humor.
Dear Amy: My friend and her family help me out with projects around my house.
Recently her husband has developed “wandering hands.”
I give everyone a hug and thank them before they leave, and he has started grabbing my backside when I hug him. I’m disgusted by this. It makes me angry and uncomfortable. I’ve told him numerous times to stop and have threatened to tell his wife.
He says I won’t. It’s a sticky situation, as his wife is ill and I can’t imagine adding more to her already full plate. I’m also afraid she won’t believe me and that it will be the end of our friendship.
I’ve never given him any reason to believe that I’m even remotely interested in him. How do I stop this unwelcome behavior and maintain my friendship?
— Upset
Dear Upset: Hire someone else to help around the house. Keep your distance from this man.
If he does this again, call him out immediately and in front of others.