Take these first steps to try to overcome feelings of inadequacy

Everyone saw Michelle as a good person — except for Michelle. Her friends loved her because they could always count on her to lend a helping hand. She was admired for helping different organizations in her community.

However, Michelle was a relentless selfcritic. She felt anxious around other people. For hours after an interaction, Michelle disparaged herself for being awkward. She never felt as successful, smart, or attractive as her friends.

Michelle spoke to herself using words she’d never use to label to others: “stupid,” “clumsy,” “ugly.” Michelle began to experience bouts of depression as her unrelenting self-criticism eroded her confidence.

As a child, Michelle was bullied because of learning problems in school. She looked to her parents for help. But they were too caught up in their own troubles to provide support. Michelle never felt a sense of belonging or acceptance with anyone anywhere. Neither was she treated with as much respect as she deserved as an adult. This happens to people whose inner dialogue doesn’t generate enough self-respect.

Michelle’s an example of someone who didn’t receive enough hugs and comforting words as a child. After negative experiences, she was left to wonder what she did wrong. There was no one to teach her how to handle aggression from others.

No guidance about how to establish relationships with adults and peers who will be accepting and supportive. She didn’t develop a strong inner guide to counter her inner critic.

Michelle eventually became overwhelmed by feelings of not being good enough, prompting her to talk to a therapist. She discovered was that chronic self-criticism arises when people have a history of feeling afraid. When asked about her worst fears, Michelle immediately recognized that she feared being rejected.

Michelle became aware of her mistaken belief that criticizing herself over her shortcomings would make her a better person. Self-criticism served to beat others to the punch. But it also made her feel worse.

When we criticize ourselves, we activate our body’s threat-defense system. When threatened, our brain fires off stress chemicals such as adrenaline and cortisol, preparing us to fight, flee or freeze. This system works well to protect people against physical danger.

These days the threats we face are usually to our self-image. We see our inadequacies and imagine others are judging us poorly. We become both the attacker and the attacked. We become entangled in a self-made stress loop. It’s difficult to escape.

With insufficient compassion and support from their parents, children like Michelle feel inadequate. Their ability to learn self-compassion is stunted, inhibiting their development of a healthy self-concept. Because they’re overly harsh with themselves when problems occur, they experience an unholy trinity of stress reactions:

Their fight reaction triggers self-criticism.

Their flight instinct causes them to isolate themselves.

Their freeze response brews rumination about what they did wrong.

Michelle discovered that she had to accept herself to feel accepted by others. She needed to teach herself what children come by naturally in healthy families. They’re protected physically and emotionally by their parents and caregivers. When hurt, they receive compassion. When doubting themselves, their parents focus on their positive attributes.

Their brain hardwires confidence. The positive interactions they enjoy activate their brain to release oxytocin and endorphins. These brain chemicals make them feel loved and safe around people. They grow up believing they’re capable of engaging in primarily positive relationships.

People who do not receive sufficient loving kindness from their parents as children benefit from a therapist who can provide it to them as an adult. Therapists also teach people how to be loving and kind to themselves. Patients learn the three skills required for self-compassion — self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness.

Michelle practiced Loving-Kindness Meditation between sessions. Here’s her psychologist’s instructions:

Take deep breathes through your mouth and slowly exhale through your nose. Notice your body relaxing more deeply with each breath.

Think of a stressful situation. Select something in the mild to moderate range to build your self-compassion skills gradually.

Picture yourself struggling. Where are you? Who’s saying what? What do you fear might happen?

Tell yourself, “This is a moment of suffering.” Notice the discomfort in your body.

Next, tell yourself, “Suffering as a part of life.”

Soothe your body. Try putting your hand on your heart.

Say to yourself, “May I be kind to myself.” “May I accept myself as I am.” “May I give myself what I need.”

If you can’t find the right words, ask yourself what a good friend would say to you.