How to keep male friends from taking over your grill
Dear Miss Manners: Iama widow in my mid-50s, and have been on my own for almost a decade. Occasionally I host informal groups of family or friends.
During the summer, I often plan menus with grilled meat because I have a propane barbecue out on the porch. It is a cantankerous old beast, but I am familiar with its eccentricities and can turn out perfectly respectable steak, chicken and grilled vegetables with little trouble. Plus, the house stays cooler.
However, there is one vexing problem I can’t seem to solve. Three times, after settling my guests indoors with drinks and snacks, I’ve gone outside to get our meals cooked, only to be intercepted by a man — it’s always a man — insisting that he will handle the grill.
I have said, “Oh, this won’t take long.” I’ve said, “Thanks, kindly, but I’ve got this.” And it’s as if I never spoke. One of them actually took the tongs and dish of meat right out of my hands!
I’m sure these gentlemen meant well, but I found their actions patronizing — and more than a little galling when I had to choke down the burnt offerings that resulted. I’ve certainly never had any guest, male or female, insist on taking over the cooking duties in my kitchen — only the outside grill.
I am hoping for a group visit from my extended family later on, pandemic permitting, but it would be a pity for someone to escape COVID only to meet a grisly end of being beaten to death with barbecue tongs.
Miss Manners, please help me avoid becoming a murderess. What could I have done to put a stop to this pattern?
Gentle reader: Putting aside the legal and ethical aspects, murdering your male guests is a bad idea because they will die with a perplexed “What did I do?” look on their faces that will be profoundly unsatisfying.
Like you, Miss Manners is convinced these men meant well. If we were to peer inside their heads, we would see a childishly simple logic: “Grilling is men’s work. There is no man of the house. I must come to the rescue.” This does not make their behavior less rude, presumptuous or patronizing. But it provides a solution.
Your “Thank you, I will do this” should be delivered with the tone and bearing of an adult correcting a misguided child: not angry, but stern and unyielding. After you have made clear that this is not a negotiation, you can soothe your guest’s wounded pride with a kind smile or pat on the shoulder, paired with a patronizing, “I know you only wanted to make yourself useful.”
Dear Miss Manners: Due to an unfortunate experience with Victorian novels and my dear grandmother, I was led to understand that the only things that should sparkle on a lady during the day are her wedding jewelry and her eyes. Therefore, I have long been mystified to see, in daylight, perfectly ladylike women in sequin-covered evening wear as if they were appearing on TV.
Now, a few decades later, I have observed women at the office, the beach and the grocery store wearing sequins on random bits of clothing, including face masks. Can Miss Manners please update us on the proper wearing of sequins and other sparkling things for the modern lady?
Gentle reader: Sparkly things should not be worn by grown-ups during the day. Neither should dangling earrings — but clearly only Miss Manners, you and the heroines of the unfortunate Victorian novels you’re reading know and follow the rules.
Dear Miss Manners: From time to time, I get a text or an email where someone gives me vastly personal information as they apologize. Someone just wrote me and said they are sorry they did not ship my package on time because on Saturday, a family member died of pancreatic cancer.
How exactly am I supposed to respond? Do I focus on the condolences? Or do I say what is on my mind, which is that an apology really is not even necessary? When I get these I always feel paralyzed. I just need to know how you would respond!
Gentle reader: Yes, you should focus on the condolences. The recently bereaved are understandably disoriented and can have a misplaced sense of time, normalcy and how and when to share their unfortunate news. So yes, they may tend to over-explain. Miss Manners recommends that you politely and compassionately indulge them.