Helping soothe an agitated parent with dementia
Dear Mary,
You recently answered a question about wandering when a family member with dementia moved in with his daughter. My situation is a little different. My dad has been living with us for years. The pandemic has been rough on him and our whole family, which previously had frequent family gatherings. Recently, we finally got back together again (my husband and adult children, grandchildren, my siblings, and their families) at my brother’s house. Dad seemed to be looking forward to it. However, once we arrived, his mood changed. He became sullen and, at one point, left the house when no one was looking. When we realized he was gone, we were frantic. One of my brothers found him several blocks away; he literally had to force Dad to get in the car. My husband and I had to leave the party and take Dad home. He was pretty agitated the rest of the night. What happened?
Dear Reader,
It is impossible to know exactly what was going on in your dad’s mind. However, I imagine that the setting included lots of adults talking, music playing, children (and maybe pets) running around having fun, and dishes clattering. For someone with dementia, it would be easy to become agitated with all that environmental overload. It is also possible that if everyone was involved in catching up with each other, your dad may have been bored because he was unable to keep up with all the conversations. In either case, he probably left the house to find something to do or someplace — a place where he felt safe or a place that was quiet.
Does this mean you need to avoid family gatherings from now on? Not at all. Along with the rest of your family, make sure you always have a plan. Ensure that the gathering spot has a quiet space so that your dad can retreat there when needed. Have the family (adults, teens, and younger children, too) take turns sitting with him to talk or do an activity (such as looking at old family photos). Get him involved in helping whenever possible; don’t we all want to be useful? Watch for cues that he is becoming agitated and have someone accompany him to that quiet space. Reassure him with quiet talk and maybe a shoulder rub.
You may have to do things a little differently now, but you can still enjoy your family while making more memories of having your dad around.
Dear Mary,
My mother has been taking care of my grandmother but now that COVID restrictions are lifting, she needs to go back to work. I recently graduated from college and have not found a job yet, so I am taking care of Grandmom during the day while my mother works. Can I get paid for this? My grandmother has Medicare and a supplemental insurance.
Dear Reader, Unfortunately, the answer is probably not. Very few programs pay family caregivers who provide care. Medicare and most private insurances do not pay for community-based longterm care services, like in-home care, whether such services are provided by a direct care worker or a family member. If your grandmother has a long-term care insurance policy, you will need to check to see what qualifications are required of the caregiver by that specific policy.
Caregivers can sometimes obtain some financial relief for specific purposes, such as respite care or to purchase goods and services. For example, the National Family Caregiver Support Program, a federally supported program, provides services to help ease the financial burden of caregiving to a person 60 years and older, to those providing care for someone with young-onset dementia, or to parents or grandparents caring for an adult child with a disability.
This program is available
through area agencies on aging (in Anne Arundel County it’s the Department of Aging and Disabilities). Services include information and assistance; counseling and support groups; education and training; and when funding is available, a grant for respite care or supplemental services. For more information, please go to the National Family Caregiver Support Program link at www.aacounty.org/aging or call 410-222-4339 / 4375.
The Department of Social Services may also have respite care funding available.
Also, national disease-specific organizations, such as the Alzheimer’s Association, may offer grants or other financial assistance to people with the disease and their family caregivers.
You can also speak with the department’s Information and Assistance Program staff (410222-4257) to help determine if your grandmother is Medicaid eligible. It may be possible for that program to provide money to pay family members to provide care to Medicaid recipients.