‘Getting acquainted’ chat becomes invasive interview

Dear Miss Manners: A couple who recently assumed a leadership role at my church announced that they wanted to become better acquainted with the families of the congregation. They scheduled 30-minute chats with individual families before and after church services.

They interviewed my husband and me using a prepared script of six pages, which included questions about our marriage, our psychological states and our disabled adult child. We replied truthfully to their questions. I felt almost as if I had gone to a physician’s office and undergone an unwarranted exam, in which we were judged, graded or evaluated. I also felt deceived since I was expecting a conversation, not a one-sided, in-depth interview.

This couple used their church status to obtain information that wasn’t their business. My relationship with my husband doesn’t involve them. My adult child’s activities are not their concern, and neither is my mental state.

The wife now approaches me after services and tries to converse about my interests or activities that were revealed during the interview. I am polite, but distant. I don’t want to make an enemy of this person. How do I make her understand that I would prefer her to leave me alone? I am not angry with her, but I do not care to have these conversations.

Gentle reader: If you will forgive Miss Manners for contradicting you, you are angry at having been interrogated — and understandably so. But as you willingly cooperated up to this point, the couple is going to be perplexed if you give them the cold shoulder now.

You are left with two alternatives. The first: Each time you are approached, you can apologize and explain that you cannot talk now. This is less combative, but requires you to be always on the run. The second option is to write a letter — to the couple or someone higher in the church hierarchy — clarifying that since the interview was both more formal and more personal than you had expected, you trust that any information shared will be held in the strictest confidence — like any other intimate information revealed to church personnel.

Dear Miss Manners: I have developed an allergy to shellfish, and it appears that my reactions to it are increasing. Whereas initially, I just had hives when I’d eat something like shrimp, I can now have a reaction if I’m just sitting near someone who’s eating it.

This is new to me, so I’m trying to navigate the best I can. I strive to be as polite as I can at all times. If I’m invited to a restaurant, I have started reviewing the menu online before I go so I know what I’m safe eating. However, someone I’m with might order shellfish, and I can’t tell someone else what not to eat.

I was discussing this with someone yesterday and told them that, if I’m in a group and the dining guest next to me gets shrimp or lobster, I may have to quietly move to another seat. I was told this would be rude, and that I would offend the other* guest by moving — even if I gently explained the reason.

But I must. This isn’t a matter of “I don’t like the smell of what you ordered,” but rather, “I could be in the hospital gasping for breath if I don’t get away immediately.”

To counter what some may argue, yes, I do carry an injectable allergy treatment for emergencies. However, the purpose of that is to buy a few moments to get to the ER; it’s not a magical “get out of the situation without any reactions” solution. To stay safe, I need to get some distance from the offending food.

Short of never going out to eat again, I’m not sure what to do. What’s a Gentle Reader to do that’s acceptable and polite?

Gentle reader: Normally, Miss Manners asks her Gentle Readers to refrain from discussing their allergies and food restrictions except when specifically asked. But yours is a notable exception.

Warning your dinner companions in advance and offering to research a suitable restaurant is the first step. The next is discreetly informing your server of your situation when you get there so that the kitchen is alerted.

However, if you still fear that there may be shrimp in the air, you may say to a less proximate dinner guest, “Alistair, do you mind switching seats with me? I’m afraid that Margolit’s shellfish might get the better of me and I don’t want to cause a scene.”