Where are your salad bowels?

combatant attacking another: “You are Miss Informed.” I wonder if she knows Miss Leading and Miss Understood.

Another Facebook argument caused a man to warn his foe, “You better get your ducks in a roll.” When it comes to spelling, this gentleman is no roll model. Nor is he a row model, which I guess has to do with boating.

While you’re out on the water, be sure to look for candy. I know this because a local supermarket sign directs shoppers to a big sale on the “Candy Isle.” Any spillage could create quite a mess, calling for a cleanup on Isle 7. Bring a mop.

Which reminds me of the Facebook lady who was tired after a full day of housework: “It seems like I’ve been moping all day.” My heart is with you. I’d be moping too.

I did see an interstate highway sign warning motorists, “Do not cross the medium.” Technically that is incorrect, but in all fairness, I understood completely.

Speaking of highways, here is a Facebook post written by a man who felt he was unfairly ticketed for a traffic incident: “It was not my fault. I had the right away.”

Occasionally, we feel compelled to comment on the rich and famous folks who appear on our Facebook feeds. One actress was all over the tabloids due to a noticeable weight loss. A commenter took note of the thin celebrity, commenting, “She’s not just skinny, she looks plum emancipated to me.”

Political commentary is also a frequent sight on social media. I have seen several references to President Trump as our “commander and chief.” History students know the correct term is “Commander in Chief.” Not to be confused with Chief Cook and Bottle Washer, a title that many of us seek to achieve.

Back to the political debates, I’ve seen a Facebook fellow who demands the President be allowed to “protect our boarders!” He did not specify the exact dangers his boarders are facing, nor did he reveal the amount of rent they pay. He did get advice from a friend who didn’t seem very optimistic. He replied simply, “Don’t hold your breathe.”

We still struggle with many baffling sound-alike words: coarse and course, whether and weather (“I can’t tell weather he’s lyin or not”), and polls vs. poles (“They keep saying he isn’t doing well in the poles, but nobody has ever poled me!”)

Medical words have so many letters, and they’re easy to misspell and mispronounce. That guy who tries to ease your back pain? Many of us call him a “choir-practor.” Maybe he sings, backed up by other vocalists while he manipulates your spine.

I always sympathize when I read about folks who are suffering from “newmonia.” No matter how you spell it, I feel your pain.

I do however, smile a bit when someone tells me they used the free “ballet parking” at the wedding reception. I just hope the attendants weren’t too embarrassed when they donned their tutus.

We are justifiably proud of our military personnel, but be careful not to post that your uncle is a proud veteran of “Dessert Storm.” That is actually an accurate description of me at the sweets buffet at Western Sizzlin. That, my friend, is a dessert storm.

I do have one nominee for the “Spellcheck Fail of the Year.” Somehow, a friend’s wayward fingers hit the wrong letter when attempting to type the word, “sweet.” For whatever reason, the so-called smart phone turned it into “sewer.” The resulting sentence, “She’s such a sewer girl,” certainly changed the intended meaning.

Finally, since this is a family newspaper, I will be careful with this one. If you are trying to say, “We need to assess the damage,” don’t leave out the last “s” in the word “assess.” I will leave that one for you to assess.

David Carroll, a Chattanooga news anchor, is the author of the new book “Volunteer Bama Dawg,” a collection of his best stories, available at ChattanoogaRadioTV.com, or by sending $23 to David Carroll Book, 900 Whitehall Road, Chattanooga, TN 37405. You may contact David at 3dc@epbfi.com.