Bad spell­ers of the world, un­tie!

The Catoosa County News - - WORSHIP DIRECTORY - David Car­roll

Here’s my lat­est roundup of spell­ing fails. They’re easy to find. You see them on signs at stores (or on the high­way), and es­pe­cially, so­cial me­dia. Each time I write about this, I think it may be the fi­nal edi­tion. Yet some­how, within a few weeks peo­ple send me a whole new batch. I guess I should be thank­ful I have enough for a col­umn. Like the man said on Face­book, “Don’t take it for gran­ite.”

An­other well-mean­ing soul had some ad­vice for young peo­ple who ques­tion the value of stay­ing in school. She wrote, “Bad peo­ple can take your money, but they can’t take away your brian.” What if you don’t know any­one named Brian?

Re­fer­ring to a child who had done well in his school­ing, a proud mom wrote, “I think they should give him a tro­phy or a plague.” (I’d def­i­nitely go with the tro­phy.)

Not ev­ery­one is happy with their child’s school. An­other mom wrote, “This teacher makes the home­work too hard. She should give the in­struc­tions in plane English!” (Just sure ev­ery­one’s seat is in the up­right po­si­tion).

A new par­ent was happy to post a pic­ture of twin ba­bies. She prob­a­bly should have been a lit­tle more care­ful when spell­ing their names. “We are so proud of our lit­tle ones! Our son is Michael and our daugh­ter is Dense.” (Give her time, she’ll grow out of it).

It is com­mon for folks to share their ail­ments on­line, be­cause we all want to know, right? Like that guy with “car­pool tun­nel.” Or the one who had to get his “pros­ti­tute gland” re­moved. One wo­man can no longer en­joy pizza be­cause she is “lac­tose and tol­er­ant.” Still an­other said she missed an ap­point­ment. She wrote, “I can’t re­mem­ber any­thing any­more. I wish I was like my hus­band. He has a porno­graphic mem­ory.” (He could not be reached for com­ment.)

Pol­i­tics is an­other hot topic on so­cial me­dia. One writer com­mented that a cer­tain politi­cian was “set­ting a bad pres­i­dent.” (If true, that is not un­prece­dented.)

An­other po­lit­i­cal fig­ure was crit­i­cized for be­ing a “Com­mu­nist syn­the­sizer who should be tired in court.” (Maybe he’s worn out from play­ing all that Com­mu­nist mu­sic.)

And one com­menter was un­happy with a court ver­dict. “We need to re­place th­ese panty waste judges!”

Some folks like to com­ment about what they have watched on tele­vi­sion. Like the man who said he had seen too many com­mer­cials about “rep­tile dys­func­tion.” Or the one who said he was glad to see peo­ple get­ting ar­rested for “Fonzie schemes.” And why, a wo­man wrote, must the TV weather fore­caster talk so much about the “Golf of Mex­ico?” (Don’t we have enough golf here in the USA?)

Speak­ing of the weather, one guy said he couldn’t wait for spring to get here. “I don’t like hav­ing to drive on ice and snot,” he wrote. Yes sir, I don’t like the slip­pery stuff ei­ther.

Af­ter watch­ing a fa­mous ac­tress win an award, one wo­man was not pleased. She wrote, “I am not a fan of Ni­cole Kid­man. She used to be in that cult, the Church of Cos­me­tol­ogy.” (I had no idea she was one of those cos­me­tol­o­gists. I’ll bet Tom Cruise made her style his hair).

One of Blake Shel­ton’s big fans would prob­a­bly like to re-do a Face­book post af­ter his re­cent mag­a­zine front cover. “Peo­ple mag­a­zine got it right this time,” she wrote. “Blake truly is the Sex­ist Man Alive.”

We all like to rem­i­nisce about our child­hood. One grand­mother com­plained about kids to­day, al­ways buy­ing new clothes. “In my day, we had to wear hammy downs!” she wrote. “That’s all I had in my droors.” (I won­der if she was talk­ing about my old friend, Chester Droors?)

The list goes on: writ­ing about an up­com­ing elec­tion, one man wrote, “It don’t make no dif­fer­ents. It’s 61, or half dozen of the other.” An­other asked, “If some­body else is driv­ing my car, can the police hold me re­li­able?” Then there’s the guy who said, “My son don’t even know what KFC stands for. I had to tell him it’s Ken­tucky Fired Chicken.” (Now we know the se­cret recipe: it’s Ken­tucky fire).

Still, my fa­vorite spellcheck fail has to be the one shared in a text mes­sage be­tween a mother and daugh­ter. The daugh­ter was telling mom what had hap­pened on her date. Her boyfriend had pro­posed, but she made one ma­jor spell­ing er­ror. She texted, “Mom, the date is over, and I want to tell you: I am EN­RAGED!” Mom replied, “I’m not sur­prised. I never liked him any­way.”

Un­til next time, “fill free” to send me your fa­vorite spell­ing fails. When in doubt, “air” on the side of cau­tion. As al­ways, I’m at your dis­pos­able.

David Car­roll, a Chat­tanooga news an­chor, is the au­thor of “Chat­tanooga Ra­dio and Tele­vi­sion” and “Vol­un­teer Bama Dawg,” a col­lec­tion of his best sto­ries. Books are avail­able at Chat­tanoogaRa­, or by send­ing $23 each to David Car­roll Book, 900 White­hall Road, Chat­tanooga, TN 37405. You may con­tact David at

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