Bad spellers of the world, untie!
Here’s my latest roundup of spelling fails. They’re easy to find. You see them on signs at stores (or on the highway), and especially, social media. Each time I write about this, I think it may be the final edition. Yet somehow, within a few weeks people send me a whole new batch. I guess I should be thankful I have enough for a column. Like the man said on Facebook, “Don’t take it for granite.”
Another well-meaning soul had some advice for young people who question the value of staying in school. She wrote, “Bad people can take your money, but they can’t take away your brian.” What if you don’t know anyone named Brian?
Referring to a child who had done well in his schooling, a proud mom wrote, “I think they should give him a trophy or a plague.” (I’d definitely go with the trophy.)
Not everyone is happy with their child’s school. Another mom wrote, “This teacher makes the homework too hard. She should give the instructions in plane English!” (Just sure everyone’s seat is in the upright position).
A new parent was happy to post a picture of twin babies. She probably should have been a little more careful when spelling their names. “We are so proud of our little ones! Our son is Michael and our daughter is Dense.” (Give her time, she’ll grow out of it).
It is common for folks to share their ailments online, because we all want to know, right? Like that guy with “carpool tunnel.” Or the one who had to get his “prostitute gland” removed. One woman can no longer enjoy pizza because she is “lactose and tolerant.” Still another said she missed an appointment. She wrote, “I can’t remember anything anymore. I wish I was like my husband. He has a pornographic memory.” (He could not be reached for comment.)
Politics is another hot topic on social media. One writer commented that a certain politician was “setting a bad president.” (If true, that is not unprecedented.)
Another political figure was criticized for being a “Communist synthesizer who should be tired in court.” (Maybe he’s worn out from playing all that Communist music.)
And one commenter was unhappy with a court verdict. “We need to replace these panty waste judges!”
Some folks like to comment about what they have watched on television. Like the man who said he had seen too many commercials about “reptile dysfunction.” Or the one who said he was glad to see people getting arrested for “Fonzie schemes.” And why, a woman wrote, must the TV weather forecaster talk so much about the “Golf of Mexico?” (Don’t we have enough golf here in the USA?)
Speaking of the weather, one guy said he couldn’t wait for spring to get here. “I don’t like having to drive on ice and snot,” he wrote. Yes sir, I don’t like the slippery stuff either.
After watching a famous actress win an award, one woman was not pleased. She wrote, “I am not a fan of Nicole Kidman. She used to be in that cult, the Church of Cosmetology.” (I had no idea she was one of those cosmetologists. I’ll bet Tom Cruise made her style his hair).
One of Blake Shelton’s big fans would probably like to re-do a Facebook post after his recent magazine front cover. “People magazine got it right this time,” she wrote. “Blake truly is the Sexist Man Alive.”
We all like to reminisce about our childhood. One grandmother complained about kids today, always buying new clothes. “In my day, we had to wear hammy downs!” she wrote. “That’s all I had in my droors.” (I wonder if she was talking about my old friend, Chester Droors?)
The list goes on: writing about an upcoming election, one man wrote, “It don’t make no differents. It’s 61, or half dozen of the other.” Another asked, “If somebody else is driving my car, can the police hold me reliable?” Then there’s the guy who said, “My son don’t even know what KFC stands for. I had to tell him it’s Kentucky Fired Chicken.” (Now we know the secret recipe: it’s Kentucky fire).
Still, my favorite spellcheck fail has to be the one shared in a text message between a mother and daughter. The daughter was telling mom what had happened on her date. Her boyfriend had proposed, but she made one major spelling error. She texted, “Mom, the date is over, and I want to tell you: I am ENRAGED!” Mom replied, “I’m not surprised. I never liked him anyway.”
Until next time, “fill free” to send me your favorite spelling fails. When in doubt, “air” on the side of caution. As always, I’m at your disposable.
David Carroll, a Chattanooga news anchor, is the author of “Chattanooga Radio and Television” and “Volunteer Bama Dawg,” a collection of his best stories. Books are available at ChattanoogaRadioTV.com, or by sending $23 each to David Carroll Book, 900 Whitehall Road, Chattanooga, TN 37405. You may contact David at firstname.lastname@example.org.