Coming distractions
While doing some research on an upcoming book project, I was looking through some 1930s era newspapers. One theater proudly advertised, “Coming Distractions!” I don’t know if that was a typo, or if they were indeed offering people “distractions” from the Great Depression.
Either way, now seems like a good time to provide some distractions from the relentless parade of bad news that engulfs our lives in 2020. Heard enough about the pandemic? Tired of reading about protests? Had it up to here with politics? Well then, sit back, relax, and enjoy my latest collection of Facebook flubs and Autocorrect blunders. You can blame these on technology, or a lack of education. I’m not pointing fingers, I’m just looking for distractions. (My wise guy comments are in parentheses.)
“My favorite restaurant is Chili’s. Seems like they give you more bang for your butt.” (Well, their food is a wee bit spicy.)
A typo from a Christmas season event: “Bring the kids, for Breakfast with Satan!” (Wow, they must have REALLY been naughty this year.)
From a church bulletin: “Join us each Sunday morning. We always offer a worm welcome.” (Your congregation takes this “fisher of men” thing seriously, don’t you?)
Also at church: “At the end of the service, the ushers will visit each pew to collect your ties.” (But please, leave your shirt on.)
Back to Facebook. “This man said not to send a check. He said I could use Pay Pow.” (Just don’t shout that out loud in public.)
“My doctor says I need to go on a low-crab diet.” (Red Lobster will be sorry to hear about this.)
“Come to Vacation Bible School. We promise there will be plenty of smacks!” (You must know my kids pretty well.)
Alabama’s defensive line will be strong this year. A good combination of speed, agility and brute forest.” (Well, some of those guys are as big as redwood trees.)
“Police say your anonymous tip will be totally continental.” (And they serve a delicious confidential breakfast too.)
“My son has worked hard on his piano lessons. I would encourage you to come see his rectal.” (Eww. I’ve heard of dinner and a show, but this is going way too far.)
“When all this is over, I bet gas prices will ski rocket.” (Especially if you live near the slopes.)
“If he don’t stop drinking so much, the doctor says he will have to deal with Sir Osis of the Liver.” (I’d much rather interact with Sir Loin Steak of the Outback.)
“In my opinion, our new mayor just doesn’t pass the mustard.” (Oh, but you should see him toss the ketchup.)
“I now realize, I shoud of been a teacher.” (Well, there’s just one small problem...)
“Sadly, the days of people using proper English have went away.” (Yes, it is a loosing battle.)
“When I was a kid, my favorite game was bad mitten.” (I had one of those. There were holes in all the finger tips.)
“My son has moved to the country. He has a garage, a pool, and several achers.” (I’m happy about his garage and pool, but I hope his achers heal up soon.)
“I haven’t been out of the house since March. We are on corn teen.” (Well, at least you’re getting lots of fiber.)
Sign outside a closed business: “We apologize for any incontinence.” (You may want to limit your intake of corn teen.)
“My doctor says I need to go on a low-crab diet.” (Red Lobster will be sorry to hear about this.)
Sign outside a closed business: “We apologize for any incontinence.” (You may want to limit your intake of corn teen.)
Sign at entrance of drive-through medical clinic: “Coronavirus testing is in the rear.” (Hey, my doctor didn’t warn me about this.)
“My vote for president don’t count anyway. The only thing they listen to is the electrical college.” (I guess your Daddy was right. You should have gone to technical school.)
“I’ve lived a long life. I must truly have a garden angel.” (Yes, Clementine, that would also explain why your okra always wins the blue ribbon.)
“I was not the one who ran the red light. I believe I am entitled to some condensation!” (Absolutely. Just wear this face mask with your glasses on a hot summer day, and you’ll get all the condensation you want.)
“I wish they would go ahead and legalize marinara.” (I’ve heard rumors that Olive Garden serves it out in the open.)
“They had better open school again soon. Us parent-teachers need a brake!” (I can’t top this one.)
Sign on doctor’s office door: “Do not enter if you have underlined health problems.” (And if your health problems are in ALL CAPS, please stay home until further notice.)
I hope this served as a cheerful distraction for you. This too, shall pass. But only if you practice good high jean.
David Carroll, a Chattanooga news anchor, is the author of “Volunteer Bama Dawg,” available on his website, Chattanoogaradiotv.com. You may contact him at radiotv2020@ yahoo.com, or 900 Whitehall Road, Chattanooga, TN 37405.