Boyfriend worried he’s in relationship because of guilt

DEAR HARRIETTE: I think I might be staying with my girlfriend out of guilt. She’s done so much for me and helped me through such rough times in my life, but I do feel that the magic is gone. I’m scared that she doesn’t feel the way that I do and that our breakup will be much harder on her than me. What should I do? — Guilty Boyfriend

DEAR GUILTY BOYFRIEND: You say that the “magic” is gone. What do you mean by that? What is missing now? You describe that your girlfriend helped you during difficult times. Now that your life is more stable, what do you feel you need and want? Sometimes when people survive a rough patch, they are ready to refresh their approach to life. That can mean doing it with the person who has been by your side for so long, or going solo. It is understandable that you are feeling guilty for not being sure about this relationship, especially since you say your girlfriend was pivotal in getting you to a better place. Before giving up, consider going to counseling.

First, talk to her and tell her how you are feeling. Thank her for all that she has done for you, and acknowledge that you aren’t happy right now. Invite her to go to counseling with you to see if you can sort things out. Give each other a chance to see if you can spark more “magic.” If not, you can choose to part ways, and it won’t be a shock to her because you will have been talking about your future together.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I’m afraid my 30-year-old son is falling behind as an adult. When I was 30, I owned a house and was paying all my bills on my own. My son is not doing any of that. He still lives at home, for goodness’ sake! He works intermittently and mainly does little to nothing. When I get on him about building his life, he sulks. He doesn’t do chores and mainly stays in his room. I know it is not right to compare my son’s journey to my own, but I expected more from him at this age. How do I give him the push that he needs? — Slacking Son

DEAR SLACKING SON: You are enabling your son by allowing him to live with you without working or contributing to the household. What you can do is set house rules that include housework and monthly financial contributions. If he doesn’t comply, evict him. Tough love may be the key to prompting him to turn the corner. You may want to get him psychologically evaluated before kicking him out to ensure that he isn’t suffering from depression or another mental health crisis. If he is, get him the help he needs. Otherwise, help him by establishing boundaries that require him to take action to own his life. Do not make comments about how different from yours his life has been. Stay focused on him. No comparisons.