Reader’s new year’s resolution for alcohol break causes reflection
DEAR HARRIETTE: Instead of a New Year’s resolution, I have decided to repeat something I did last year — sort of. Last year, I participated in a diet where you completely eliminate sugar for the entire month of January. It helps cleanse your system of all of the toxins that are associated with sugar. The side effect is that you lose weight and, I’m sure, other things. It worked last year, but it felt a bit austere.
This time around, I am eliminating alcohol. I realize that I drink a lot with my family, friends and co-workers, and it has become too much of a habit. I invited several of my friends to join me — not eliminating all sugar, just alcohol. It’s amazing how touchy this subject is. Most of them thought I was crazy. Two agreed, but only one of them is being serious with me. It is making me question if I have the right friends for me. When the month is over, I don’t know if I want to go back to drinking all the time, but I realize that my friends are drinkers. Do I have to let them go? — Bad Company
DEAR BAD COMPANY: In Alcoholics Anonymous, they talk about being wary of “people, places and things” that may trigger alcoholic behavior. During this month of sobriety, you may want to consider attending some AA meetings and learning more about the disease of alcoholism so that you can assess whether you see yourself in what you learn. Use this time to explore and discover as much as you can about your thoughts, feelings and behaviors.
Rather than focusing on those friends who did not choose to get sober with you right now, look at yourself to see how you want to live and what you need to be healthy. It could be that you need to move away from people or situations that trigger certain behaviors in you. It could be that you need to continue on the journey of sobriety beyond 30 days for your own well-being. It could be that you need to set limits on what you do and with whom in the future to protect yourself, even if you decide to rekindle certain relationships. The point is: This is about you and your choices. Stop pointing your finger at them. Point it at yourself and make decisions based on what you need.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I can’t believe that my friend cheated on his partner. It’s so dishonorable and shows a complete lack of loyalty. How can I trust someone who has no regard for the promises they make? This really casts doubt over our friendship, as it’s hard to rely on someone when they can break a promise so easily. I feel disappointed in my friend and want to give him another chance, but it’s hard not to question his sincerity from now on. He needs to learn from this mistake and start showing more respect for his commitments. Am I wrong to feel that if my friend will betray his partner, he will betray anyone (including me)? — Doubting My Friend
DEAR DOUBTING MY FRIEND: It is natural to feel that one betrayal can lead to another. Your friend’s deception can rightfully be enough for you to sever ties with him, but you should talk to him first. Tell him how strongly you feel about the violation of trust. Ask him what he is going to do about it. You may be able to forgive him if his next steps are honorable. If not, it is good for him to learn that his betrayal of his lover cost him your friendship. Consequences are real.