Stepmom could assure girl of love by investing time

My husband and I will welcome our first child together in October. He also has two daughters: a 10-year-old from a past relationship who visits often but doesn’t live with us; and a 3-year-old from his previous marriage who is with us half the time.

The 10-year-old really likes me, and I feel the same about her, but for various reasons — mainly their ages and the amounts of time we spend together — I have bonded more significantly with the toddler. The 10-year-old is sensitive about this and likes to make comments, sometimes provocative ones, implying that I love her younger sister more. Some of the comments are easier to laugh off than others. I worry that this will always be an ugly cloud over our relationship.

With a baby on the way, the 10-year-old’s comments have increased in frequency and intensity. Amid all my excitement about expanding our family, I’m beginning to worry about the consequences for my relationship with the oldest. I am not all that experienced with talking to kids in her age group.

There is no age-group language you learn to speak, for any age. There is just shared experience. On Golden Pond makes the point beautifully.

There is also no upside to laughing off what you rightly identify as a real concern. When she implies the showing of favoritism, gently ask for clarification: “You said that as if you meant it. Is there something you would like to talk about?”

If she trusts you with the underlying truth, no matter how dark or wrong it seems to you, thank her for her honesty. Be careful not to negate her with “That’s not true!” She won’t believe you anyway. Instead, say you’re sorry to hear she is hurting.

Then talk not about kid vs. kid but about the problem with comparing loves. Or, I should say, ask your way there: She loves her dad, yes? Her little sister? Her best friend? Her mom? Her (other relative here)?

Then ask: Does she line up everyone in her mind in order of most to least loved, or does she treat each love as its own thing? Listen to her answer. Talk about it, too — just a little, as she is 10, after all. Assure her that you don’t compare; you just love whom you love for who each one is.

Then, separately, figure out what you and the sensitive 10-year-old can enjoy together, oneon-one, during a regular block of time you set aside for her.

Her home life has churned its way to a second stepmother; her distrust of her place in your life is organic and valid.

If you want to assure her of her value to you, then dedicate to the cause the most meaningful currency in a child’s world: your time. Establish an activity that is just yours with her, and keep showing up for it — especially after you give birth.

That’s your conversation and her proof.

Carolyn Hax

Write to Carolyn Hax — whose column appears on Sundays, Wednesdays and Fridays — at tellme@washpost. com.