Ambitious mom must allow son to develop own interests

Dear Carolyn: My son is 12 and, for the most part, a pretty good kid. He isn’t a standout in academics or sports and isn’t socially adept, but he has a good sense of humor.

I, on the other hand, was raised to compete. I thrive on competitions and was raised to take every opportunity to try my best. I was elated when he recently placed high enough to be included in the school spelling bee. I felt like this was one area where we could really relate to each other.

He was nervous and didn’t want to be there. He told me he wanted out of the bee, but I encouraged him to take his best shot.

I was more than chagrined when on the first round he misspelled the word on purpose and did a mocking bow in my direction. I was surprised at the level of anger I felt.

I think underneath everything I have been waiting for 12 years for him to be good at something, and was looking forward to the moment. I wouldn’t have cared if he got out on a difficult word, I am not about winning, but I want him to try his best. And this was not his best.

Part of the anger might be referred disappointment I feel toward his father, who is a chronic underachiever. And, although I love him, I don’t want our kids to turn out like him in this regard.

How can I approach this incident without damaging our relationship?

Mom

Normally, it makes perfect sense for parents to urge their kids out of their comfort zones, in ageappropriate ways, of course. They need to learn to face their fears, put risk in perspective and emerge with the understanding that trying and failing at something difficult can feel better than acing something easy.

But for that to work, parents have to create an environment ofsupported risk — basically, where your child is matched with challenges he has been equipped to handle, and where he knows he’s accepted and loved independent of the outcome of the challenge.

The environment you describe in your letter isn’t that. So he made the only safe choice he had, which was to fail comfortably on his terms.

The answer is about your rethinking your entire conception of your nature and upbringing as they come to bear on your son. You say that you were raised to be competitive — but have you considered that maybe you were competitive by nature, and your parents raised you accordingly?

Try encouraging hard work through his strengths, not yours. Notice them, appreciate them, change your attitude in raising him to nurture and support those strengths. I suspect the next bow won’t be ironic if you just love him for who he is.