After ‘Oval,’ OSU has plenty more to trademark

The compulsive trademarkers at Ohio State University are at it again.

They want to trademark “the Oval.”

I mean the name and the image of the campus green space to which it refers, not the shape.

So you’ll still be able to sell a hard-boiled egg without getting a cease-and-desist letter from university

lawyers.

(But if the university’s scientists figure out how to breed chickens that lay scarlet and gray eggs, then I’m not so sure. OSU has a trademark on the color scheme.)

Other trademarked items at OSU: Urban Meyer, Brutus Buckeye, The ‘Shoe, Woody Hayes, the buckeye leaf and — my favorite — the gestures that spell out O-H-I-O. You can barely extend an arm at OSU without hitting a trademark.

How much further can this trademarking trend go? Much further.

Here are some news stories from the near future:

OSU trademarks a smell

The mingled scents of bratwurst, beer, pheromones and heavy-equipment exhaust have been trademarked by Ohio State University.

“These aromas powerfully evoke the ambience of game day on a campus constantly under construction,” a university lawyer said. “As such, they are part of our brand. If you want to smell like us, please contact the Office of Trademark & Licensing.”

OSU trademarks student

Sophomore Emily X. Emplary has been trademarked by Ohio State University.

“I guess it’s kind of an honor,” said Emplary, 19, of Bucyrus. “They used an algorithm to identify a student whose age, background, achievements and activities typified the Ohio State experience. I fit so perfectly, they decided I was, like, a symbol of the university.”

Emplary said she’s still allowed to use her name, provided that she adds the words “a registered trademark of Ohio State University.”

“It makes meeting people a little awkward,” she noted.

OSU trademarks fan behavior

Ohio State University has trademarked extreme football-fan behaviors that it says are unique to the school.

“Many schools have devoted fans, but only at Ohio State do they set themselves on fire to celebrate a victory, pluck out their own eyeballs in fits of anxiety or postpone childbirth until after the Michigan game,” a university spokesman said. “So it’s prudent to trademark them.”

OSU trademarks ‘trademark’

Ohio State University has trademarked the word because it is so closely associated with the school.

“We are famous for our trademarking,” a university spokesman said. “So trademarking

was necessary to protect our brand identity.

“Of course, if Notre Dame or Harvard want to trademark something, they’re still free to do so. They’ll just have to pay us to use the word It makes sense, don’t you think?”