Guy who has disengaged still needs caring friends

We have a friend, “Allen,” who has recently lost touch with us.

We think he is being manipulated and emotionally abused by his wife.

Allen’s wife has joined herself to his hip. He can’t make plans with others that don’t include her, and, when they do attend engagements, she occupies about 90 percent of his social interactions.

His wife has drastically changed his diet (former meat-lover to hard-core vegan) and rushed him into moving in together, getting married and buying a house. She has even named their future children.

I respect that every couple proceeds with such life events at their own pace, but it’s well-known that she essentially forced him to propose to her, throwing a tantrum at a mutual friend’s wedding.

Since their wedding in September, he has stopped speaking to me and other mutual friends, even though we were previously very close.

The thing is, Allen avoids confrontation like the plague, so he just lets things happen, refusing to respond when anyone tries to reach out to him.

Some of us have asked him whether he’s OK, whether he needs help and so on, but he ignores us. It’s possible that his wife monitors Allen’s phone and computer.

Is there anything we can do for Allen? Or are we forced to watch this horror from afar?

The short answer is yes.

When someone chooses to stay away from you, even when that choice is coerced, it’s difficult to make an argument for parachuting into his life, much less to pull it off.

That said, you know red flags when you see them, and there are plenty here: her possessiveness, isolation, public-tantrum volatility, pressure to commit, plus his natural reluctance to stand up for himself.

And, friends look out for friends, even when it’s difficult to do so.

The best hope you can give someone in a relationship with an abuser is to serve as an “I’m here, no questions asked” lifeline (said explicitly if the opportunity arises) for whenever that person is ready to get out.

Bottom line: Remain as present in Allen’s life as his circumstances allow. Don’t stop calling, texting or engaging. Without becoming a nuisance, you can enlist other mutual friends to be part of a circle of readily available support, with each of you checking in at regular, non-harassing intervals.

Four of you, say, sending Allen a warmly neutral check-in or invitation twice a month — quite handsoff for “previously very close” friends — will remind him that others care about him.

— T.