Even when acknowledged, rudeness is hardly justified

A friend of a friend — someone I see occasionally at social events, has an unusual habit: She asks a question that is quite rude and none of her business, then adds “I’m nosy” or “I’m rude” at the end.

For example, she once asked someone else: “When is that husband of yours going to get you pregnant? I’m nosy.”

The idea seems to be that rudeness is acceptable when the person admits it in advance. What is the appropriate response?

“Evidently.”

Miss Manners advises that this be said with a sympathetic smile and followed by silence.

I love seeing women in films wearing gloves and, despite current fashions, want to bring them into my daily wear. For me, femininity doesn’t go out of style.

Aside from challenging a gentleman to a duel, when does a lady remove her gloves?

Actually, it drives Miss Manners crazy to see gloved ladies in period films, plays and operas. They almost always keep the gloves on while eating, drinking or even smoking. Eeew.

The general rule was ( and there is no need to repeal it, as most ladies have long since peeled off their gloves) that gloves were always worn outdoors and almost never indoors. As a result, ladies had to be adept in carrying their gloves while enjoying non-abstemious indoor activities.

The exceptions when gloves might be worn indoors included occasions such as getting married and/or dancing. And, for safety’s sake, Miss Manners advises wearing gauntlets for duels that are fought indoors.

My husband and I were close friends with a couple for many years. We moved away but stayed in touch and, in the past few years, were able to visit. Six months ago, when we were visiting their city, they said they had no friends.

Alas, the husband died of a stroke five months ago. I know that the wife has no siblings or parents left.

I have sent her a formal sympathy note and three more casual follow- ups. I wrote a poem in his memory. It seems almost like stalking, but I remember how bereft she was when her sister died and how she felt that sympathy was not sufficiently extended ( in general — I don’t think she was pointing the finger at me).

I don’t want to permit her to think that we are not feeling a lot of sympathy for her having lost her husband of almost 50 years. Yet her silence indicates that either our overtures are unwanted or that her condition is so bad that she’s emotionally overwhelmed.

When does an old friend stop reaching out? I do not want to continue down an upsetting path, nor do I wish to appear insensitive.

Indeed, she should have acknowledged your great show of sympathy. Miss Manners does not generally accept bereavement as an excuse for ignoring kindness. On the contrary, responding is a way of representing the deceased — as well as encouraging continuing friendship, of which this lady is apparently in special need.

But please do give it a final try, this time by calling or visiting, as your generous correspondence has unfortunately failed.