Respectful, honest questions can help spouse see problem
Over the years, my wife has supervised dozens of employees. By all accounts, she has been a good boss and her employees like her.
But it seems like every employee has “disappointed” her and it has been my misfortune to have to listen to her tirades about them. She starts out being excited about the new hire and within a few weeks is bitterly disappointed they aren’t turning out like she expected.
I suppose I should just smile and nod, but after 20 years, I am beginning to dread listening to rehash the failings of these poor people. Is there anything I can say?
One huge benefit of longtime companionship is its knowledge and security. You know your wife, so you’re uniquely positioned to flag an unhealthy pattern.
Mention it outright if you and she communicate well. If she leans defensive, then I suggest walking the horse to water.
“May I butt in?” Pause for permission. (No ambushes. Admit the intrusion and proceed only when invited.)
Then: “You put yourself through this with most new employees. You’re so excited and then so let down.” (When you frame it as a matter of her tormenting herself, you position yourself as her sympathizer, not accuser. It has the benefit of being true; her expectations are the problem.)
And then: “Have you noticed this?” Wait for her response. ( Inviting her to respond signals conversation, not lecture.)
If the horse wants no part of said water, then back off; your observation combined with the evidence to support it will stick. Plus, her being a good boss says this is more nuisance than emergency.
As for the nuisance aspect, ask “I find it tiring to come home to discuss work. How about trying a different routine?”
I am very much in love with my boyfriend, but it seems he no longer shares those feelings.
When we attended my sister’s wedding, we got engaged and he promised me we’d be married next, as soon as we found a place to live together.
I was thrilled, but he’s been saying ever since, “Let’s give it more time,” and refusing to talk any more about it. We’re living together, but it’s been six years, and he just won’t tell me why we’re not married.
I don’t want to leave him, but I don’t know what to do when he won’t talk to me.
You can leave. Why stay? That’s the prevailing “why,” and it’s for you to answer, not him. Put yourself in control.
If you agree that “losing [your] mind” equals time to go, no matter how badly you want to be married, arrange for a new place to live.
— Glad I Don’t Work for My Wife — Desperate