Boundaries should be set for intrusive family members

Dear Carolyn: I am getting married this winter. My fiance and I want a small formal ceremony. We found a small chapel that holds only 12.

My mother told everyone in my family and invited someone I don’t even know to our wedding, and then manufactured a list of people I “have” to invite. I went home to my fiance and cried my eyes out.

He told me we could change our wedding to make Mom happy. I was so relieved he was willing to, but I also wish I could have the wedding I want. I vented to a friend about the change. She ran into my mom a while later and completely laid into her about how it’s my wedding and it should be the way I want it. I was unaware of the conversation until my mom called and screamed at me about how she won’t be coming to my wedding.

I was crushed! My fiance came up with a plan. We would have “our” wedding earlier in the day with friends who support us, and have “their” wedding afterward. I liked the thought. My mom decided to come and everything was fine.

Then my sister decided to send me a book on manners. She had the (dis)courtesy to write comments in the margins (“Dad in a tuxedo what are you thinking?” “Married in winter? Put it off until spring!”). She even informed my family that the wedding is begrudging and I am only putting it on for show.

I’ve had it. I’m so upset. If it is all coming out of our own pockets, why can’t we have the wedding we want?

I don’t know — why can’t you?

Your family wants what it wants and goes full banshee to get it, but that’s not a reason you “can’t” be in control; it’s the reason you’ve chosen to cede control to them. Two very different things.

You’ve asked about a wedding, but please know this is about everything.

That’s because it’s about your family’s poor grasp of boundaries: One member’s business is treated as everybody’s.

To enforce a boundary is to decline to allow others to control you, and to respect one is to choose not to attempt to control others. For example: “Mom, I see how excited you are for the wedding. You do not get to invite people, though, without asking me first. I’ll share my guest list when it’s ready — and I won’t add extra people just because you told them they could come.”

Boundaries have consequences; your mother will accuse you of being rude and making her look bad when you do this, and people who thought they’d be included won’t be.

But the long-term emotional benefits are well worth the shortterm pain of defining, owning and defending the parts of your life that are yours alone to govern.

Remember: It’s your life. Loved ones either adjust, or accept a diminishing role in your life.