Bride can fi x guest problem by redefining what is ‘right’

I am getting married in July. My fiance and I told my younger sister she would get a plus-one. She said she was going to bring her best friend from college, and I cautioned her at the time that she might want to wait in case she gets a boyfriend between then and the wedding.

Now my sister is in a serious relationship, and my parents are pressuring my fiance and me to allow her to bring both the boyfriend and her best friend, saying I might regret not inviting him if my sister and her boyfriend get married.

My parents and fiance already have a somewhat rocky relationship and this is threatening to make it worse. Am I wrong for standing firm and saying she needs to still bring just one?

Probably, but not for the reason you might think.

A guest with a plusone-plus-one is silly. But, the idea that a sister qualifies as merely a guest is silly, too. Of course, for the best friend not to say, “Hey, bring your boyfriend in my place, I understand,” is also silly.

The thing about this, though, is that it’s all so easy to fix. You add a guest, someone bows out, someone chips in extra — you figure it out without drama.

Yet you’ve presented this as something that isn’t silly and that you can’t just figure out — and that’s my problem with your “standing firm.” It should never have mushroomed into a standing-firm standoff kind of event.

So, why did it? This: “My parents and fiance already have a somewhat rocky relationship and this is threatening to make it worse.”

Your fiance is digging in based on resentment of your parents. Or sister. Or both. And your parents are pushing back hard.

If so, then you need to stop treating this as a “My knucklehead sister invited her bestie!” problem and see it for what it is: a power struggle between your family of origin and family of choice.

A bigger problem is that you’re not calling it what is: You’re neither agreeing with your fiance nor agreeing with your parents. Instead you’re peacekeeping — backing your fiance and asking me if that’s right.

It’s not, because “right” is about peace of mind: Consult your values and gut, do what those say, then take the heat for it.

— C.