Ingratitude is befuddling but should just be ignored

Dear Carolyn: About a year and a half ago my youngest son married a lovely woman. I am genuinely fond of her, but we are not close. We are a large family and she’s an only child, and I know that can be overwhelming.

So I’ve tried to overlook this thing because it seemed so trivial. But it’s really bothering me. My new daughter-in-law never says thank you.

I’m not the type who sits near the mailbox waiting for a thank-you card. But if you give someone a gift in person, face-to-face, along with a “Happy Birthday” and a hug, and she says “Oh. OK,” then sets the box aside and never mentions it again, I think it’s odd. I knitted her a sweater with yarn she had seen in my basket and admired. I suppose she might hate the sweater, but I’ve seen her wear it a few times. Not a word.

I enjoy making gifts for people, but is it wrong to feel peeved at the lack of acknowledgment? She’s not a rude person, so far as I can tell, but I’m starting to feel hurt by her behavior.

Before I say what you don’t want to hear, please know that I agree with you. Your daughter-in-law’s behavior, as described, is weird and I’d take it personally, too.

But even if mother- and daughter-in-law relationships weren’t some of the most challenging in all familydom, I’d advise you to shake this off.

One reason is that this isn’t personal. It’s a quirk, not a slight. Thus the impulse to take it personally is an emotional, not logical, one.

And when your impulse is to add hard feelings to a highstakes relationship, that’s an excellent time to hand the reins over to logic.

Another reason is that this hurts her more than it hurts you. Truly. A glaring social deficit like this will compromise her with almost all who experience it, and many won’t know her well enough to have your perspective — that she’s a “lovely” woman who does this to everyone and who probably wasn’t taught any better. Or they won’t be as invested in harmony as only the mother of the man she married can be, so they won’t try as hard as you have to forgive it.

As someone who sticks with her, you might even help her. Providing a years-long, low-key model of good giftreceiving behavior could be your most thoughtful gift.

One more thought, offered with caution: This might be worth discussing with your son. As long as your affection for your daughter-in-law is unquestioned; your relationship with your son is solid and non-defensive; and your communication skills are up to the task of asking a charged question, then go for it. “You know how much I like Wifey, so I feel safe asking this. I’ve noticed she’s awkward about receiving gifts. Is it just me? Is there something I could be doing to help?”