Partner’s insincere apology won’t resolve hurtful feelings
My partner said something hurtful, which was not meant to cause me pain, but did, nonetheless. After I explained why it hurt and how I felt, he refused to apologize for hurting my feelings.
When I explained that people who care about each other are supposed to apologize if they cause hurt even unintentionally, and I consider being able to do so an essential relationship skill, he said he “could just give me a sincere-sounding but fake apology.” However, he wouldn’t do that because it is important to him to be honest.
He doesn’t think what he said should have hurt my feelings because he clarified it.
I am no longer upset about the original remark, but find myself lastingly troubled by his refusal to simply apologize for hurting me. He has offered about six variations of “I’m sorry you feel that way” to add insult to injury.
Am I correct to conclude that this person is giving me every reason to believe he doesn’t care about my feelings as much as he cares for his pride?
I’m trying to find some way to justify staying in the relationship but I haven’t yet.
If I were beside you two in a restaurant, I’d have asked to be reseated.
Not because you’re awful or he is (necessarily), but because this argument says you’re audibly awful together.
I do see your point. I support the free flow of apologies. I can step on my husband’s toe after fully not intending to step on it, and will still ungrudgingly say, “Sorry! You OK?” Plus, never apologizing is ghastly.
But: If he responds to my accidental toestep by howling as if I sledgehammered him on purpose, then I might suddenly (and yes, pettily and wrongly) get stingy on owning my part. If someone
explains the innocence of a comment I found offensive, then I’m saying, “I get it now, thanks” — not, “You still owe me an apology.”
Funny thing about this outrage-vs.-resistance dynamic: It’s often irrelevant who’s howling or withholding, who started what, or why. To parse it is to miss the larger point that you’ve both stopped trying to engage or embrace each other.
He feels misunderstood and over-prosecuted for an errant remark, and you feel misunderstood and under-nurtured for an injury. All me, no us.
So I’ll ask this: Do you actually him? Yes or no. Stay or go.
If stay, then do so by dropping your dukes. See whether he does the same.
— Sorry I Only Date Grown Folks