Refined manner of eating should be focus of dinner

I was happy to see my boyfriend get dressed up for my friend’s wedding. But when we sat down to eat, he threw his tie over his shoulder so that it wouldn’t hang down toward the food. I thought this took away from the effect of his nice outfit. Another friend said that he does this, too, to keep his tie clean. Should I get my boyfriend a tie clip for his birthday?

Miss Manners assumes the gentleman does not take off his shirt while eating, even though ketchup stains on a white dress shirt are more noticeable than soup on a tie. She can think of at least three alternatives to the clip or the shoulder toss, including a more refined manner of eating, a more heavily patterned tie — or the number of a good dry-cleaner.

Occasionally, I receive business correspondence in which the sender simply signs his or her name. A few of my clients are foreign, and I am unable to discern whether they are male or female. How do I respectfully address them in my return letter?

This was a more challenging problem in the preinternet days, when companies did not post their employees’ titles, pictures, biographies and favorite water sports on their corporate websites. But assuming that photographs are either not provided or not definitive in answering your question, there is always the telephone.

Miss Manners suggests calling someone other than your correspondent so that you can ask your question directly. It will be a familiar question if addressed to the assistant of a boss with a non-gender-specific name.

I find myself stunned at most people’s table manners. For example: breaking bread/rolls and buttering each bite, using a thumb to push food onto a fork, correct utensil usage (using a place spoon for soup), cutting up an entire entree salad at once, serving coffee after dessert, leaving napkins on the table at the end of a meal, passing salt and pepper together, etc.

I never say anything, but just wonder whether the etiquette rules I was taught, and followed in a very upper-level hospitality position, have been canceled.

It is never a good idea to monitor other people’s table manners, and not only because you are apt to spill something all over yourself while you do so.

Miss Manners notices that you are already agitated, because you have mixed up what should and what should not be done, and thrown in some general rules. Just to clarify: Bread and rolls should be broken into small pieces and buttered individually; thumbs should not be used as pushers; the so-called place spoon is a medium-sized oval spoon that can be used (as the teaspoon should not be) for soup or dessert; napkins should be put to the left of the plate at the end of the meal, and salt and pepper should be passed together.

That people violate these and other basic rules does not mean that they have been canceled, any more than a rising burglary rate demonstrates that the law now permits it. So no, the Etiquette Council did not say, “Oh, go ahead, plough in with your hands, who cares?”

But it did resolve to refrain from watching.