String of one-night stands isn’t basis for relationship
I met “Guy” through a mutual friend. He is 23, and just graduated from college, I’m 20 and have two more years of school. I had a onenight stand with Guy about two months ago, and continued having one-night stands about twice a week.
We have never been on a date, talked about feelings, commitment or anything concerning “us” at all. I have strong feelings for Guy, and I suspect he does for me. It is known that Guy has had significant emotional trauma within the past few years. We haven’t talked about that, either.
I want to stop being lovers in the bedroom and just friends everywhere else. I tried to tell him this recently, but couldn’t get it out. He has, however, told me from the beginning not to get attached because he doesn’t know what his next move in life is. It sounded as if he was trying to convince himself, not me.
No, he was trying to convince you.
To no avail, apparently, because you have constructed an entirely new scenario out of things you would prefer to hear: that he didn’t mean what he said about remaining unattached; that he has strong feelings for you, too; and that he’d express them if only he weren’t — one must raise one’s eyebrows into pity formation when one says this — traumatized by his past.
I’m not saying your scenario isn’t true. Unfortunately, though, that’s what he’s saying — and the facts are screaming pretty loudly for themselves. Until you hear otherwise, from him, explicitly, take his word for this.
In the meantime, if you have something to say to him, then say it. Just know there’s an excellent chance you won’t like his reply.
I have been involved with someone for more than a year now. One minute he’s sweet and romantic, and the next he’s cold and distant. Sometimes he’s verbally abusive. I know, I know ... but I have never felt this way before and it feels as if I have known him forever.
What should I do?
You know exactly what you should do. You just refuse to do it. But you asked, so, here: Do it anyway. Now.
Given that my success rate against I’ve-never-felt-thiswayhovers between 0 and .01 percent, I’ll throw in a defeatist Plan B. You choose how well someone treats you, or how poorly, because you choose your response to that person.
So go ahead, choose to stay with a verbal abuser and thereby agree with his dim assessment of you.
Just don’t lie to yourself about him or your decision. Abuse is a one-two punch. Why do you stand for it?
— Frustrated — Pacific NW