Woman need not disclose reason for having surgery

I will be having surgery soon to alleviate the embarrassing problem of bowel incontinence. I found a great doctor and have family support, but need to know what to say to nosy acquaintances who inquire about the reason for my hospital stay.

“None of your darn business” or “You don’t want to know” are my favorite responses, but neither seems appropriate. Suggestions? While I am certain that Miss Manners has never experienced this herself, what would you suggest for someone who unintentionally says something to a friend that obviously upsets or hurts them deeply?

I know a quick apology is necessary, but what if that is not enough? If the hurt goes beyond a simple apology, how does one attempt to make it right? I fear that I may have permanently hurt a friend that I care for deeply, and I am not sure what to do now. Write a letter. Make it heartfelt and offer no excuses. Tell your friend how much the friendship matters to you. And mean it.

The novelty of writing something by hand and mailing it will give the matter the formality and gravity it deserves.

And although you are correct in thinking that Miss Manners has rarely needed to write such a letter herself, the same reasoning has offered her a far better rate of response than email for her social invitations. That and her imposing presence.

I work at an apartment complex, and I have a tenant who doesn’t seem to bathe or even use deodorant. Therefore, he has a strong odor.

When he comes into the office once a month to pay his rent, and the door to my office is right by the front door to the building. He hands me his check and is in and out in 10 seconds, but his stench will travel all the way to the other side of the building.

After he leaves, I have to Lysol the air in the whole building a few times to get rid of the smell, and hope that it goes away before a prospect walks in.

The same happens if he comes in to pick up a package, except then, he is in the office much longer than 10 seconds.

To my great surprise, I haven’t had any complaints from his neighbors about his foul odor, but I’m getting to the point where I really want to tell him that he needs to shower or something before he enters our office.

I just don’t know how to say it politely. Could you offer any suggestions?

“It’s just a standard procedure, but you are so kind to ask.” Repeat as necessary, resisting the urge to elaborate.

Get a mailbox system. There is no polite way to tell this gentleman that he should bathe, especially because you seem to be the only one affected by it.

Miss Manners suggests that you either create a drop- off for the rent checks and mailed packages or a private, enclosed office for yourself.