Husband should dial back compulsion to answer phone

Dear Carolyn: My husband has a habit of picking up his phone the second he gets a text message, even mid-conversation, and then dropping everything else to respond right away. This irks me.

I am uncomfortable being confrontational and so will often build up resentment until I get upset. I am working on that, but it is still really hard for me to find the right way to address the behavior in the moment.

I have tried to battle a similar behavior of his, in which we’re talking and he gets distracted. But if I point that out or ask a question and pause, he will replay the last five seconds like a loop recorder and respond to what I said, which in his mind justifies that it is not a problem. He’s made it clear he doesn’t think it needs to change.

But my failure to change that behavior, even pointing it out in the moment as a mature adult, makes me insecure about how to say I think these text interruptions are rude. Any suggestions? On Hold

“Please don’t answer that text while we’re talking.”

If that feels confrontational, then reframe it as the kind of request for his attention that you don’t think twice about.

If he responds again with his usual defense then don’t argue that point, because it’s not the point. It’s about respect. Suspend conversations until the phone is off.

People don’t multitask, they toggle-task. And we can also regurgitate the last five seconds of speech without being even remotely engaged with its meaning.

So, that’s the argument against his parlor trick, though I agree with your decision to focus on its bigger message; he doesn’t care to change.

Which only “irks” you at this point, OK, but neither addiction nor contempt tends to stay within such bounds, and both appear to be at work here. Your other strategies are appropriate to that challenge — the pause, the pointed question, the, “Hello ... ? Should we talk about this when you’re not distracted?” — and a calm request that he put his phone away until you finish your conversation would fit in well. Even better, a suggestion beforehand that you both put phones away.

But so would thinking even more expansively about what’s going awry. On your part, there’s the possibility that you’re taking too long to get to your point, or dwelling on a topic well past its expiration date.

It isn’t just an act of kindness to think through important points beforehand and save them for when people haven’t just awakened, arrived home from work or turned on their favorite show; it’s simple pragmatism.

On his part, there’s compulsion for his phone and contempt for you. Work up the courage, please: “Devices are killing us. Put it down and be present.”

If he’s treating every moment as an inopportune one, then that would be a form of hostility as well.

So, Step 1 to solving the text problem is to trust the power of your truth. And be mindful of having blame turned back on you — with a skilled therapist, just you, if need be.