Giving daughter support is best way mom can help

Dear Carolyn: : Ever since my now-tween daughter was a toddler, she has been a little chubby.

I read about appropriate food control and thought the most useful suggestion was to provide a ready plate of fresh fruit. It would be completely gone before her brother even knew it was available. It didn’t seem to matter what she was eating as long as she was eating.

As she got older, I showed her how to read nutrition labels and find portion sizes. I taught her how to measure food with a measuring cup. Her weight continues to increase. She is 12 and 165 pounds.

Her doctor takes little notice and even chastised me for asking about it in front of my daughter. She will not discuss my concerns, falling back on a speech about children needing healthy nutrients and as long as she is growing height-wise then she is not concerned about her weight.

My daughter gets high marks and succeeds tremendously at her musical instrument. But now in middle school she is withdrawing socially. She says all she is interested in is her schoolwork but I wonder whether it isn’t also because kids are more interested in sports, school dances and appearance. She has become frustrated when she points out a store where a friend shops only to realize they don’t carry her size.

We have always been an active and involved family. Many of our vacations revolve around outdoor experiences. I learned how to cook from fresh foods at a young age and continue doing so for my family. We are not on an “American” diet of convenience foods. We have signed her up for various recreational sports through the years but she gets frustrated and has no interest in being uncomfortable.

I am so sad and worried for her. She gets out of breath quicker than she should, carries her weight bulkily, hates going shopping, and hides further and further in her schoolwork. What can I do for her? What can she do for herself?

It appears to me there’s one thing you haven’t yet tried: accepting her weight.

As a crucial element of accepting her.

As a crucial element of her accepting herself.

As a crucial element of not layering an emotional struggle on top of physical and societal ones.

In your careful and wellintentioned way, you have drawn thinness as the only path to a good life.

So what is your daughter to think when her body won’t take her there? Her life is bad?

Let’s take a moment to parse the idea of where her body “won’t” take her, too. There’s always someone ready to argue that any fat person can be a thin one through some set of choices or another. OK. Sure.

So stop fixing and start supporting. Find a prettyclothes source and keep them coming. Internet equals no excuses. Find a physical activity you can enjoy together; yoga via YouTube is free, private, and as good for heads as for hearts.

Enjoy your daughter’s company. Work harder to meet her where she is.