Silent friends leave talker to figure out a solution

I have three friends who sometimes refuse to talk at all in social situations. I am going to visit one of them as a houseguest.

I suspect that she doesn’t chat or respond to remarks because she can’t hear well, but she attributes it to a family custom. She doesn’t even respond to practical questions or remarks. I have sat through dinners in silence.

I suspect that she relies almost totally on lip-reading, hence she chats only when we sit in a quiet place and she can face me.

She cannot discuss her hearing without becoming upset; she seems to feel extreme shame about it.

Is it OK if I read, go online, sleep or watch television (depending on the situation) as I would if I were alone?

The second friend loves to go out for cocktails but will sometimes sit in silence, barely responding to my questions and initiating no conversation. One day, I took a book to occupy myself during the usual two hours of silence. Angrily, she said, “If I knew you were going to read, I would have brought my book.”

I didn’t want to start a fight, so I put the book away and began talking (which seems to be my job).

The third friend, during a vacation, refused to talk at all at meal times, saying she had to concentrate on her chewing. We were childhood friends and until recently had always chatted during meals. So I turned on the television and took a book to the table. She was extremely angry but still refused to talk.

I am unable to force people to talk, so is it reasonable and polite to occupy myself as if I were alone?

Apparently your friends, who might well have hearing problems, don’t think so. Rather than deal with a hearing difficulty, they seem to consider it reasonable and polite to remain silent while you perform monologues for them — so perhaps they aren’t the most trusted sources. Miss Manners also has to wonder how people who prioritize chewing over conversation have remained friends for this long.

If you are a houseguest or on vacation, the situation emulates an extension of being in one’s own home. You could say, “It seems that you are tired, and I do not wish to burden you with conversation. Perhaps you wouldn’t mind if I read or turned on the television, unless there’s something that you particularly wish to discuss.”

Or you can claim your own fatigue and retire to your room.

Unfortunately, when you’re in public together, it isn’t considered polite to otherwise occupy oneself, even when the conversation is strained — although such etiquette hasn’t stopped most of the electronic device-carrying world.

I find myself in the position of wanting to return a gift to the giver. The cookbook was given to my late partner, just before his death. It was very thoughtful, and I wish the giver would use it or give it to someone else.

This is a rare occasion where obvious regifting isn’t considered impolite — if, Miss Manners notes, it is done with sensitivity. “My partner adored this gift and used it often,” you can say. “I am sure that he would want you to have it, since you shared such an enthusiasm for cooking.”