Estrangement from family needn’t be fully explained
I am estranged from my mother — and as a result, my father, several siblings, aunt and grandfather. The reasons are not important. Suffice it to say that I believe the reasons are appropriate, that the estrangement has been long-term, and that it is unlikely to resolve. I don’t see my mother at all.
I have just had my first child. My baby is the first grandchild on my side. People who are not aware of the estrangement often pleasantly ask if baby is the “first grandbaby,” if “Grandma is so excited!” and other questions of the like.
People expect that my mom was in the delivery room, that she will be at events related to the baby and ask where she is, if she isn’t present. The questions are well-meaning and based on the assumption that most people my age have living parents who are involved with their grandchildren.
My husband and I are usually flustered by the (perfectly normal) questions. How should we respond to these questions politely, without making anyone uncomfortable, but without being misleading? My husband suggested saying, “I don’t have parents,” but I feel like that implies my parents have passed away.
“I am afraid they could not be here” is sufficiently vague, while slightly loaded, without being misleading. Or you can mistake their inquiry about your parents for one about your husband’s — if they are on good terms — and answer questions only in regards to that. The trick is to be brief and vague and not to allow oneself to be pressed into further explanation. This, Miss Manners finds, can often be expressed more successfully through the tone and finality of your statements than through the actual words.
My husband is retiring after 40 years with the same company. The same month, he is turning 70 and we will be celebrating our 45th anniversary. We would like to host a party for friends and family to celebrate with us with a catered dinner, music and dancing. The people we would like to invite include friends from church, our dance friends and company people he has worked with for many years.
Our dilemma is that we do not know how to word an invitation, so that people will understand that we simply want them to come and party with us. We are not even sure that anyone would come without knowing the reason for the party, and yet we don’t think it’s necessary to state the cause for the celebration.
Are we going about this all wrong? Can we host a receptionlike party and convey, in the correct way, that we would love celebrating with friends and family just because we are happy to do so?
You do not give your friends much credit. You doubt that they would want to socialize with you without having a specific reason to do so?
On the contrary, Miss Manners is certain that they will likely be grateful that they do not have to feel an obligation to buy presents — for no fewer than three separate occasions.
Issue an invitation to the party and show its degree of festivity and formality by sending hand-written invitations and using formal language. “Mr. and Mrs. Herbert Many Milestones request the pleasure of your company at Venue on Saturday the 8th of Month at Time.” Please no registry, charity or gift information of any kind. No, not even “no gifts.”