Crew owner’s ‘ bio’ reveals early knack for desertion
“Anthony Precourt: A Fanciful and Fictional Biography”
Anthony Precourt, owner of Columbus Crew SC, was born to a young Midwestern couple of modest means who lavished attention on him and catered to his every need.
Nevertheless, at 6 months old, little Anthony announced through his lawyer that he was exploring the idea of moving in with a more glamorous couple.
His lawyer explained to the bereft birth parents that their “lack of an actionable plan” for a “baby-specific home Downtown” was behind the move.
“But what in the world could match our devotion to you?” the parents implored.
“For starters, a luxury stroller with reversing seat, adjustable suspension and leather accents,” the child responded in a written statement. “I have to realize my ambitions as a baby.”
Young Anthony thrived in his new home, and by his teenage years was showing an aptitude for business.
He began selling ice cream from a pushcart, attracting hordes of neighborhood children who looked forward to his daily arrival.
One day, however, he failed to appear. Instead, he sent his lawyer to announce the following: “In order to ensure Mr. Precourt’s continued business success, it will be necessary for his customers to present him with an actionable plan for a world-class, state-ofthe-art ice-cream truck. Otherwise, he will explore moving his ice cream to a different neighborhood.”
The statement was met with the anguished wails of dozens of children.
“Please don’t leave us, Anthony,” sobbed one tyke.
Young Anthony, already test-driving a shiny truck with representatives of a new neighborhood, attempted to
ease the distress of his grieving customers with another statement: “There, there, kids. No relocation decision has been made. Yet.”
Precourt was popular in high school, although he had a reputation for abandoning prom dates when a better one came along.
After attending 18 colleges (none of which would agree to his demands for a new, state-of-the-art dorm), he became a successful businessman. In 2013, he purchased the Crew, Columbus’ Major League Soccer team.
As the new owner, Precourt pledged his undying devotion to Columbus. Four years later, he gave Columbus an ultimatum: Cooperate on the construction of a new Downtown stadium or lose the Crew to Austin, Texas, in 2019.
At the last minute, however, Precourt agreed to sell the Crew, which remained in Columbus. Precourt went to Austin and started a new franchise, Shameless SC.
In exchange for a fancy new stadium, Precourt signed a contract promising to keep the team in Austin until the end of time or until he found a better deal — whichever comes first.