Wife and huband must work together to deal with crisis

Dear Carolyn: I was recently diagnosed with a significant health problem. I’m not one to share personal issues such as that. I, of course, shared this with my husband but told him under no uncertain terms, emphatically and repeatedly, that he was not to tell anyone.

He told. He told his daughters, his colleague, a couple of his friends.

When I found out he’d betrayed a confidence, I told him how angry I am, how hurt I am, and how disappointed in him I am.

He made excuses ... “They needed to know why you didn’t attend a funeral.” “He needed to know why I couldn’t attend a meeting.”

I’m having a really difficult time getting over this.

Don’t minimize your actions, feelings or self. You’re not (just) “Venting!,” you’re asking for help — with a problem that’s significant now, could worsen later and sits uninvited atop an already serious health problem. No doubt it’s a scary time for you.

Though obviously to a lesser degree, it’s a scary time for your husband, too — so instead of just trying to get over this, I hope you’ll use it as a chance for you and your husband to learn to handle this crisis together.

For that, you’ll both need to figure out what will help you, what will help the other, and what you can realistically ask of each other.

Your letter states one such helper — privacy — and implies another — an admission of fault by your husband. You asked for his discretion, which he completely botched, and you asked him to admit how profoundly he botched it, which he then botched by making excuses.

I see the excuses — i.e., invalidation of your feelings — as worse than the blabbing.

Even deserved criticism can entrench people against you, though, especially those who feel vulnerable, so revisit this issue more as a matter of what you felt than of what he did. Say his explanation deepened your frustration because it says he prioritized what “they needed” and “he needed” over what needed, just as your needs felt most acute.

But first: Forgive him. His excuses say he’s defensive, and presumably scared about your health, too. If he has any self-awareness, he’s also embarrassed by failing you on the one thing you asked of him. It’s counterintuitive, but showing you’re there for him could make him stronger and better for you.

So forgive, and say why. “I see now it was asking too much to insist you couldn’t tell. I’m leaning on you, so you need to lean on your people.”

Because he does need to. And you need to let him.

Then, when you address ways of getting through this together, it’ll be about

versus a re-airing of your grievances.

He does owe you an apology, but you need his strength and partnership more, so reach for the good.