Partner needs a dose of optimism to balance relationship

Dear Carolyn: My partner often feels that I don’t react supportively to events in his life.

He thinks that, when he is excited about something or happy about an upcoming event, I should be just as happy as he is.

I am more of a glasshalf-empty kind of woman, so it is difficult for me to express myself otherwise. I always seem to want to talk about the what-ifs and my concerns and my personal outlook on things, which always differs from his.

This upsets him very much and usually causes him to lash out at me, saying I need to stop this and start thinking about how it ruins the moment for him. He tells me no one else who loves him reacts this way but me.

I feel this is controlling behavior on his part: “If I share something with you that is good to me, you have to say only positive things about it as well, otherwise I am going to get mad at you.”

So what am I supposed to do? Give in and stop being me and say only what I know will make him happy? Or say what I am really thinking at the time, which I know he does not want to hear, and he will get angry with me for saying?

I really need an outsider’s view because we have been going around this for too many years.

About this “give in” thing — is it possible? Can you, in fact “stop being me” (which we’ll get to in a bit) and “only say what I know will make him happy”?

If it is, then yes, try a loving, “That’s great, (partner’s name) — I’m so happy for you.”

Because that’s not caving, and asking you to check your pessimism is not “controlling.” His lashing out is childish, certainly, but the frustration it expresses is legitimate. You keep doing what you “always seem to want” without regard for how that affects him. Really? Why?

Again — it’s possible for you to quit the what-ifs, then, yes: Choose to honor your partner’s wish. “Hey, that sounds great.” Your outlook works for you but doesn’t for him, so why keep pushing it? How do you expect him to benefit — and insincere. Maybe your partner’s unchecked optimism gets him (and you by extension) in trouble — certainly there can be mood, health and financial consequences to getting swept up in the latest greatest thing. Maybe the wing-clipping on your part evolved in response to the petulance on his.

Even these cases, though, don’t justify your insistence on citing what-ifs, for the simple reason that it’s not working.

So find a way to be sincere in sharing his joy, and enjoy seeing him happy.