Girlfriend must find truth about boyfriend’s sexuality

I have been dating my boyfriend since I was 17, and we’ve been together three years. He was raised in a fairly strict Roman Catholic household, and when his brother came out as gay, it was ugly. The dust has settled but the situation reinforced the family’s stance.

As my boyfriend was growing up, people would ask him whether he was gay, based on body- language indicators, clothing choice, the tone of his voice — none of which is evidence — and he always denied it.

While he struggles to use terms such as “gay,” “straight,” or “bisexual,” he has shared things with me that suggest attraction to men — exploring gay porn, pointing out men he finds attractive, watching a plethora of LGBT films — but it has never been acted on whatsoever.

I have often wondered, and asked, why he hasn’t broken up with me to do some exploring, but he insists he would never, and he also seems to think no one would really want to be with him. He also has told me he could never break up with me because he doesn’t want to throw away what we have.

I’m concerned I’m lying to myself and hanging onto a relationship with a closeted man, which is not a life I want for myself.

I think he’s tired of discussing it, which is a feeling I share. He has told me that he is attracted to me. Any insight would be appreciated.

Told you how — in words?

If yes, then there’s your answer.

That he rejects the idea of dating men with, to paraphrase, “Men wouldn’t like me” versus “I don’t like men”? That’s an answer, too.

If you’ve politically corrected yourself into knots, then make it simple and see the answer in your looking so hard for an answer. Happy, healthy, satisfied couples heading in a mutually agreeable direction don’t agonize over their relationships the way you’re picking apart yours.

Promise that you won’t take this conflicted person’s word for it that urges have “never been acted on whatsoever.”

You can love and sympathize with and even trust someone and still be mindful that people in torment sometimes act selfishly in ways they never otherwise would.

— Stuck and Confused