Sibling’s rudeness clear, even if she can’t admit it
I recently hosted a family party. After lunch, my daughter, granddaughter and I were laughing and joking.
My family tends to get loud, I confess.
My sister, brother and husband were in an adjoining room when, suddenly, my sister turned toward us and said loudly and gruffly: “Y’all have got to quiet down in there! We can’t carry on a conversation in here.”
I apologized and took our conversation into another room. My granddaughter later drew attention to the fact that my sister shouldn’t have yelled at my guests in my home. I agreed. Whenever I try to talk to my sister about it, she deflects blame, saying that we were the ones being rude.
I have explained to her that we weren’t trying to be rude, that we were just being ourselves — and that as soon as I became aware of the problem, I took care of it. Until she yelled at us, I wasn’t even aware that she was becoming irritated.
My stance is that no one should yell at guests in another person’s home. She should have come to let me know how she felt and allowed me to handle the situation.
So, who was rude? My sister, or my guests and me? Your sister. But Miss Manners cautions you not to use “being ourselves” as an explanation for rudeness, however incorrectly it was perceived.
The important difference here is that once you were made aware of the annoyance, you stopped. Perhaps your sister will now be able to follow suit.
I went to a restaurant with an elderly friend who recently had a stroke and uses a cane for assistance. There was a line of people waiting to be seated.
The entryway had two benches, both filled with 20-something couples and their young children. Some of the children were lounging between their parents as they used up every inch of the seating. No one offered my elderly friend a seat.
I thought about saying something to the parents, or asking one young boy, “Would you like to learn how to be a gentleman?” but decided not to say anything.
I didn’t see any way, no matter how gently I phrased it, to address the issue without causing problems. What should I have done?
Although these families certainly appeared to be rude and inconsiderate, Miss Manners thinks it more likely that they were just oblivious. The parents were more likely just grateful that their children weren’t causing a public scene and didn’t even notice your friend.
Assuming this, you could reasonably address a family directly without it sounding harsh: “I wonder if you might make some room for my friend to sit down. He has trouble standing.”
My daughter just moved into a newly developed neighborhood. Her neighbor, who moved into her new home only a few weeks before, gave my daughter a housewarming gift. Should my daughter reciprocate with a gift, or just with a thank-you note?
Chronology takes precedence with housewarming, and, because your daughter was the last one to move in, she is the more logical choice for the present.
A thank-you note from her is sufficient, but a neighborly treat to accompany it, or an invitation to the house to visit, would be charming.