Sister’s intent what matters in ‘plus-one’ disagreement

I’m a woman in my late 20s who has been in a relationship with another woman for almost five years now.

My family isn’t especially supportive, but there are times when I do receive formal invitations to events from extended family (weddings, bar/bat mitzvahs, etc.) that include my name and a plus-one.

My mother, who vehemently opposes my relationship, keeps trying to tell me that accepting a plus-one on an invitation is rude. She tells me that the people hosting the event are giving me a plus-one only to appear polite and that if I bring someone else, it will cost the hosts money, so I shouldn’t accept it.

I would like to think that my family members are showing passive support by offering me a plus-one, even if they aren’t listing my partner’s name on the invitation.

In my opinion, such an offering should always be seen as genuine.

My mother also insists that as maid of honor in my sister’s wedding, I am not supposed to take a plusone to the rehearsal dinner, despite other bridesmaids’ plus-ones being included. She is very concerned with politeness and appearances, so I usually defer to her.

Given this dilemma, though, I am driven to ask you for expertise and advice.

A misguided attempt to make single guests feel more “comfortable,” plusone offerings instead communicate that the host does not want — or cannot be bothered — to find out the names of any serious partners.

Inviting anyone to a formal event should be done using that person’s name.

In your case, Miss Manners agrees that it was probably a passive — if still rude — attempt on your sister’s part to invite your partner without directly acknowledging her.

Your mother’s use of made-up etiquette rules is a passive way of rejecting that attempt.

If your sister specifically asked you to invite someone, you may do so — and passively ignore your mother’s advice to do otherwise.

I am planning a celebration of my late husband’s life — and being good to myself by having it catered.

It’s nothing fancy, but I’m worrying about how much food and drink to order.

In light of the current habit of disregarding a request for a response, could I include on the invitation something like, “If you attend without an RSVP, kindly do not eat or drink anything”? I’m sorely tempted to do so.

People are sorely tempted to do many things, but civilization is hinged on thwarting those baser desires.

Meanwhile, Miss Manners is left wondering how you would even go about policing those guests who show up unannounced. A rap on the hand as they reach for a shrimp? An elaborate pantomime of handing them a pretend glass and not filling it?

Unfortunately, the only proper thing to do with such brazen guests is to express surprise at their appearance. Courting insult in the form of threats is rude and fruitless.

If you run low on refreshments and those same guests have the gall to complain, however, you may say, “Oh dear, I’m afraid that I only planned for those who told me they were attending.”

Then plan not to invite them next time.