Sister should reveal secret of child born 52 years ago
I am in the middle of a growing crisis in my extended family because of revelations from a DNA match. After getting my results, I was contacted by a woman looking for her biological family. It quickly became apparent she was the child my sister gave up for adoption 52 years ago.
I made contact with this delightful woman and was amazed to find out she grew up a mile from our family home and knew many of my relatives.
My sister has never disclosed this birth to any of her other children or grandchildren. Her husband is aware, but they want nothing to do with the situation and would prefer no other family members get involved. They are in great fear of their children learning about this secret. So far, none of them has found out.
Of course, the cat is out of the bag and others will become aware. I feel guilty for being the one to bring this to light, but I also worry that it is going to eventually divide our family. Any thoughts on how I should handle this?
You didn’t stir up things on purpose. Getting the test was also the last thing you did over which you had full control.
Those are the two points to make to your sister upfront — and in person — when you apologize for knocking the lid off her secret. We apologize all the time for harm we cause innocently and by accident. The rest is up to her.
I wish I could assure you that you’ll come out of it unscathed, but your sister is already several steps down the road of making this situation worse than it needs to be.
She is trying to keep a secret when the laws of juicy news mean everyone will know eventually. As in, soon. Her only rational play is to take control of the story and start telling her kids. You can suggest this to her or not, depending on how receptive she seems.
She needs to tell because to keep hiding it is to treat her actions as shameful. Placing a child for adoption is a courageous act: One who can’t or won’t do right by a child chooses to trust other parents who can. It’s profound.
At least one of my husband’s relatives, but usually more, will find a moment when we visit to express disgust with our metropolitan area.
I don’t care to challenge this every time. I’m thinking of taking a year off from these visits, but I know my husband would be sad and lonely.
— Surprise
A year off is a fair request — and husbandly intervention on your behalf is a fair alternative if he wants you there. —
—