Sister’s offer to care of mother deserves compensation

Dear Carolyn: My mom is still sharp mentally but has become frail enough physically that she sat down with me and my two brothers and told us she no longer thinks she can live alone.

She asked us all about living with us, and my brothers — both married — said it wouldn’t be feasible. I — single — said it might be possible and we discussed it more. We agreed I would move in with her, she would pay expenses such as bills and groceries, and she would leave me the house in her will.

She told my brothers and they both said I’m taking advantage of her, and they should each get one-third of the house when she dies. My mom thinks they’re right, wants me to pay half the bills and wants to leave the house to each of us equally.

I don’t want to move if I’m not going to have the security of some money saved up and a home to live in when she dies. When I said I no longer wanted to move in with her after she changed the terms, my brothers both said I was being selfish. Is there a fair way for us to do this?

They want none of the caregiving but all of the money, and call selfish.

I’ll say upfront that what you’re offering to do isn’t just a job, and money isn’t its only possible compensation. Caregiving is work, of course. But — if you and your mom get along well or are both committed to getting along better — this time with her can be a priceless opportunity to give back and get closer to her. Your interest in securing your future is reasonable because you’re uprooting signing on for a heavy, open-ended responsibility. Imagine, for example, if your mom develops dementia and turns on you.

So: Do not let your brothers gaslight you out of documented compensation for your doing this important work for your family.

Now, are the entire house and zero expenses the only fair terms? No. You could be a caregiver for 10 years or, pardon me, 10 weeks. A house as compensation for 10 weeks is an arrangement your brothers ought to protest.

There’s room to adjust the terms for both the living expenses and the inheritance, though. You have a sound argument for moving and resettling expenses, both directions; for relief from many, most or all daily expenses both as compensation and so you’re able to save toward a home when you need one; for your brothers to kick in money toward those expenses proportionate to your contribution of time; for extra consideration in the will if you’re in this role long-term.

As terrible as it seems to reduce an act of love to a business deal, the circumstances are such that one of you stands to bear all of the load for the others. So state calmly that you’re not looking to profit. You want consideration of your effort and security in exchange for the risk you are assuming.