Gentle line of questioning might help son ‘see light’

Our son is in a serious relationship, and I believe an engagement is in the offing. We like her, but we have reservations.

It’s clear he spends lots of time and energy taking care of his girlfriend and making her feel secure, although she is rarely content for long.

He makes all the food, goes out for her coffee, makes all the reservations, plans trips, etc. This neverending support over her workplace and social worries seems awfully one-sided, and my son has confided that it can be exhausting and frustrating. He has suggested she see a therapist for anxiety or depression.

His siblings share my concerns. They have reached out to her in numerous ways but she is usually tired or busy.

Is there anything useful to say here? Or double down on being as kind and generous as I can be?

It’s not either-or. Double down on being as kind and generous as you can be — but also take the opportunities he is giving you when he confides in you. “You do sound drained, yes. What do you think you’ll do?” This both validates him and poses a question that doesn’t (which is appropriate) give any opinion.

To love someone who makes your life harder is to be conflicted, and too often that comes with guilt or shame. This is especially true if he has internalized the idea that she really “needs” him.

With few exceptions, though, wanting out is enough, especially from someone refusing help.

So when you demonstrate you aren’t judging him or siding against her, you offer him a safe place for him to explore his own thinking - and eventually see the light.

This is a question about family and money in which everyone gets along, no one is upset, no one is likely to get upset regardless of the outcome, and yet we don’t know what to do.

I have two young children. My brother has one young child. Neither will have more children. If our parents give equal amounts to each grandchild, then my family will get twice what my brother’s family gets. If our parents give equal amounts to each of their children, then my children will each get half of what my brother’s child gets. Neither feels right.

We all independently realized the problem. We’ve talked about it. There doesn’t seem to be a right answer.

Consult an estate attorney, please.

Families don’t spend and save and bequeath money — individuals do. So I’d vote: some for you and brother, plus equal trusts for each grandchild. Arguably your nephew inherits more this way, but who knows what will be left by then? Such vagaries are facts of life.

— Anonymous — Fortunate No Matter What